Tag Archives: child abuse

Corporal Punishment and the Moral High Ground that it Implies

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Screenshot 2016-04-18 10.42.59There is a viral video going around the last few days (April 15, 2016) about a 5-year-old in Jasper County, Georgia being paddled by the principle who says very confidently, “I’m gonna do it ONE time unless you wiggle around.”  WATCH THE STORY HERE

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In other words, stand like a man and take your beatings. I am not going to talk about the mom, just about the rule that makes beatings legal. I am reminded of an instance about 23 years ago when one of my kids was little and I went to pick them up at school. The teacher met me at the door with a “parenting” book that extolled the virtues of beating with excerpts from the bible. I wished I had kept it. I threw it away. I understood that my child had acted up and the teacher wanted me to beat my child at home.

See my TEDxTalk  on what I think of beating children:

I went to the school and asked them to see their “rules” on beating children. They proudly produced the pages that explained their corporal punishment guidelines and, of course, with the parents’ permission. It was assumed that if I brought my child to this school, I would give cart blanch to all their rules.

They had another thing coming.

I looked each one in the eye and made sure they understood that I DO NOT give permission for ANYONE to lay a FINGER on my child. I told them I would not hesitate to sue them. I promptly found another school.

Many parents do not have the resources to change school, or even the parenting skills to help their child, or even the confidence to stand up to “authority.” My heart breaks for the children being schooled under archaic laws, and the parents trying their best without real parenting tools. There are many free resources these days and I hope that people try to find answers in this world of Internet resources.

Help yourself to help your child.

Love and light,

Indrani

(P.S.  I would love to hear your thoughts or stories about this issue of spanking in our schools.  What say you?)

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Have you earned the “look” in your child’s eye?

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child-636022_640The look of love
The look of fear
The look of contempt

Those looks you hate?

It may not be their fault.

It may be because of the choices you made, the choices WE made as parents of these incredible children we have been given.

As a child, sustaining repeated and persistent abuse, I had a significant thought…

Why did you have me?

This took many other word forms such as:

Why did you have a child?
Why did you have another child?

I am not blaming the way children turn out on their caregivers; I am reminding caregivers to make better choices so that we can say that we tried our very best when our children have the “looks” that are “cringeworthy.”

We must try our best every minute of every day.

It is on us. Every ONE of us. All the time.
 

Love and light,

Indrani

She was stealing food…

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Image terimakasih0 via PixabayI spoke to a social worker when I was in Trinidad in October, and I heard about a child who was brought to her office by her guardian with a bag of clothing. The guardian is the legal guardian and a very close family member. The social worker was told that the child was stealing food. The child was a very young teenager and was emaciated and clearly hungry.  There was no place for the child to go so the child was sent back to the house with the guardian.

A few weeks later, the whole scene repeated itself.  The social worker again sent the child back.

This story really left me feeling helpless.

Often times I am talking about past abuses and guiding the teller of the abuse story through the pain, and into a deeper understanding of their present power instead of a powerless past.

This was so very different.

This is clear and present danger and pain that was being experienced by a young person that I could meet. I could make a significant difference here. Yet, I choose to keep working at the global level and to use my time and energy to try to make changes at a different level.

I will reach out to that social worker to see how I can contribute to the care and feeding of that child, but I must do this from a safe distance. If I get too personally involved I stand the chance of derailing my whole path because I will get way too deep in the problem, and can potentially make the situation very much worse. This is very hard to accept.

Unless I am willing to step in to legally adopt this young teenager in a different country and devote my life to her future, I can only help in different ways.

When we face situations like this in life, we can only really do what we can do. If we need to work from a safe distance, that is the decision we must make.

If we can do something deeper and significantly contribute to the situation we can choose that path. The option is NEVER to beat yourself up about what we “could” have done or “should” have done.  To be this centered in difficult decisions like this we must practice this centeredness in other less difficult aspects of life.

Luckily for us, life gives us many opportunities to practice centeredness …. from ordering from a menu, to choosing an internet provider, to dealing with the technical advisor of said internet provider who has such a thick accent, we just want to bang our heads with the device we are trying to trouble shoot.  You get the picture.

Look around you and attempt to deal with the next small irritant with a deeper level of groundedness and presence.

Maybe it requires you to use your ears more than your mouth. Maybe you get to use your mouth but in the complete opposite way, like whispering instead of yelling, or smiling in the face of the instigator instead of scowling, pouting. Maybe you decide to use your feet and leave a hostile situation instead of staying and begging the others to please, please, please see it your way.

Only you can decide what to do.

Expect to make mistakes and expect pushback. Pushback is really good because it tells you that you are making waves in the status quo.  If you want to quick start this practice, look at the status quo of your life and see what you would like to change then start there.

In my case, the status quo of my life was that of a “stay at home mom,” very little travel and a very confined, albeit very comfortable, world.  These days, my status quo is a far cry from yesteryear.

Take a breath.

Make a small change.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Welcome to the real world…

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kid-165256_640said John Mayer in his song.

And at one of my speaking gigs, a man who wanted me to accept that we should beat our children said “join the real world.”

What is the real world?

It’s the world where you feel comfortable EVEN if it is full of violence.

I should know.

I was abused by one of my parents and when I was 21 or 22 I accused the non-abusive  parent of NOT caring enough to ABUSE me.

Yes, abuse made me comfortable. It was familiar territory.

The man at the lunch was comfortable within the familiarity of his way of parenting.

He could not imagine parenting without beating his children. He was very vocal about HIS real world.

I have no desire to live in his real world.

Just like I do not want to live in the real world of ISIS, or in the real world of the Taliban or ANY world where women are the considered the PROPERTY of men.

MY real world is full of love and acceptance.

MY real world is a world that commits to ending violence to women and children.

MY real world is a world where adults can look in the mirror and see where they can become better parents, leaders, husbands, wives etc.

It is NOT a world where adults say, “I refuse to change my old ways.”

So…

 
What world do YOU live in?

Love and light,

Indrani

Children Who Are Abused Go On To Abuse

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Here is our continuing blog series of excerpts of Indrani’s TEDxPortofSpain Talk.  The public release of her entire TEDx Talk should be available soon.  Until then, here is the third excerpt from Indrani’s TEDx Talk:

“Jails are full of people who were abused as children.

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Our personal pain and inherited cultural ignorance must never be passed onto our beautiful and vulnerable children. Children need to feel cherished.

…… Boys who receive abuse go on to abuse their wives and their children. They think violence is love.

Girls who receive abuse go on to expect and accept abuse and to abuse their children, they think abuse is love.

They grow up to parrot another one of the Living Lies…when they are struck with force and fury, they are told …

This hurts me more than it hurts you…, This Is A Lie!”

CALL TO ACTION

We need your support! We invite you to click on the social media buttons that appear when you hover over the image above and share this post with your friends, family, and community.  Then ask them to share this blog.  Remember, there is someone out there that you may know who needs to see this TEDx Talk because they are suffering.  Thank you for considering this call to action.

With deepest gratitude,

Team ILF

 

The Science behind Spanking……

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BadBehavior-532x800-881x499Let’s face it….parenting is the toughest job on the planet. Everyone does it a little differently but I like to think that all parents have the same goal in mind and that is to raise a happy, healthy, well-adjusted child into adulthood.

This article shows the science and facts behind Corporal Punishment, aka Spanking.

One of the long term negative effects? Increased risk of spousal abuse or child abuse as an adult. (And that’s just one.)

http://www.upworthy.com/the-science-of-spanking-what-happens-to-spanked-kids-when-they-grow-up?c=ufb1

Let’s discuss in the comment section below.  Where do you stand on this topic? What type of disciplinary actions do you use (or have you used) as a parent?

 

Love & light,

Team ILF

Think Global…Act Local

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Steven-Matt_455613_1When I think of this phrase I think it means to be an informed consumer.

  • Am I buying products made by children in the slavery mills around the Globe?
  • Am I consciously aware that what I do here in my country is negatively affecting the Amazon Rain Forest?
  • Are the diamonds that I admire Blood Diamonds?

Right?

Big thoughts.

I think I can make my buying power MAKE a difference.

I CAN make my money talk!

What IF….

The phrase “THINK Global…Act Local” could be applied to Domestic Violence and Intimate Partner Violence and Child Abuse?

What would that look like?

It might look like this…

You are watching TV on a normal day or night and you see a story of a VERY FAMOUS NFL player like Adrian Peterson being charged with Child Endangerment for beating his 4 year old son with a switch. You may or may not be appalled… Let’s say you ARE appalled.

What can YOU do?

Well you can begin to look at your own behaviors towards your kids or other people’s kids.

You can open a conversation with your kids … if you dare… and ask them what it’s like living in your home.

  • Do they feel emotionally safe?
  • Are they worried about people flying off the handle?
  • Are they afraid of anyone in particular?

YOU must be brave and courageous and really listen.

LISTEN with your ears and your HEART. (Especially your heart.)

You MUST promise them immunity from YOU flying off the handle if you hear something that hurts your feelings.

If I would have had parents who had asked this question to me and if I trusted them, I would have said something like this:

“Well you are always beating us and yelling at us. If we cry then you beat us more to “really give us something to cry about.” You tell me that I never do anything right. I am always scared of you.”

IF I had parents who were brave enough to go there, I may have had a slim chance of a happier childhood.

YOU have the POWER to give your children a bigger chance of happiness.

If you ACT LOCAL, while observing the pitiful GLOBAL state of violence against women and girls you will be making a difference.

Don’t know where to start? Start with YOURSELF, your own boundaries and awareness of shame and building your shame resilience.

START TODAY.

START NOW.

Here is something to get you started…www.liveabrighterlife.eventbrite.com

If I can do it, you can do it.

Now, let’s say you were NOT appalled at someone beating their child in that way, you can still do something.

You can begin to wonder about your own abuse and ask yourself if your parents could have been more compassionate.

If you say they did the best they could with what they had, you would be right. However, YOU can do better with all the new information that you have about child rearing. You can seek out informed guidance on how to be a better parent.

Why? Because you owe it to those kids you brought into the world.

So however you slice this Domestic Violence pie, you can Think Global and still Act Local.

 

Love and light,
 
Indrani

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A Rabbi, a Police Chief and a Boy Scout Leader turn on their computers…

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**Psst.. Did you know you can highlight any sentence in this post to automatically share it via Twitter or Facebook? Go ahead, give it a try!**

Photo Credit: Yamiche Alcindor

Photo Credit: Yamiche Alcindor

 

This may sound like the opening line of a joke, but IT IS NOT.

All of these individuals were part of a cache of 71 people caught passing around child porn.

What happens to society when people who are SUPPOSED to uphold the legal and moral codes turn out to be the disease?!

Where can we go?

Who do we turn to?

When a child’s own mother makes her do porn and then sells it, where does that broken child go?

On May 22nd, 2014 the front page of the USA Today exposed the arrest of 71 supposedly human beings who were sharing child porn.

What happens to their families?

Do they not realize the lives they have destroyed and the ridicule that their children will face in the community?!

To be the child of the Police Chief who was in the child porn ring…what an awful fate.

I am very concerned about who is counseling the children of the convicted.

What will society do to MAKE SURE they don’t turn out to be the next victims or worse, the distributors?

We MUST help the children.

I shudder to think of what will happen to those kids at school, to the wives, to the mothers of the accused.

Please reach out to the distressed families if you can…if you can recover from the harsh reality that educated and supposedly upstanding and KNOWN community leaders are indeed the UNKNOWN devil.

Love and light,
Indrani

Total recall…or false memories

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black-blackandwhite-fun-grey-memories-favim-coThere is a new movie out called Total Recall. I have not seen it and this is not a commentary on that movie.

Rather, this is about what we remember and what we choose to forget.

I know for a fact that three people will have three different interpretations for any particular event. They may get the facts right, like who married whom, but their memories of the service and wedding will be different.

I am wondering if what I remember is really what happened or could I have been convinced that I remembered wrongly?
People are quick to interrupt us and tell us how “it really happened.” I have been witness to many a marital fight that was based on who remembered “correctly.”

How have my memories been changed/affected by what others tell me?

When a child reports abuse and is told that it did not take place, how do they reconcile the feedback vs. the facts. When someone tells you that you were “rude” such and such a time and you don’t remember it that way, what do you do with the information? When an abused woman tells her mother-in-law that she is being beaten, will the mother-in-law believe? And how will that change the intensity of the woman’s memory in the moment?

Do you ever doubt your own memories?
Have you ever been challenged on your memories and have you felt like you are losing your mind?
By this I mean, you really, with absolute clarity, recall some event, only to be set upon by others, hell bent on changing your mind.

I don’t mean the give and take that happens between good friends, or people teasing you. I mean the mean-spirited verbiage that can erupt when you least expect it. I believe that people attack our memories when the memory makes them uncomfortable. Of course, I have no empirical proof of this statement…it is simply an intuition that I have having lived for more than 58 years.

Will they try to talk us out of our memory if it was a favorable memory to them?

Do you ever talk people out of a memory they have of you?
What would you hear if you asked a TRUSTED friend about something you both experienced together?
Would you be surprised at what they remembered? Would you be happy or upset?

Would you think that they judged you?

Would you judge them or yourself based on their recollection?

I have found that memories are like water….they slip away quietly but leave evidence of having been there.
I am oftentimes surprised by the amount of time I waste trying to wrestle a memory from its hiding place.
When this happens, it usually means that I am trying to “build a case” to prove something in the present.
I have come to loathe “case building.”
I hate when I do it and I despise when someone does it to me.

So, the next time you remember something, ask yourself these helpful questions:

  1. Will this help me to navigate what’s happening in the present?
  2. Why do I feel the need to unearth this memory now? Will it be a joyful experience?
  3. If it will bring me pain, what can I learn from the pain that I haven’t already learned?

Life is but a series of memories…make sweet ones.

 

Love & light,

Indrani

The Screamer….

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anger via successfulworkplace.comShe screamed at people on the office floor. She screamed at people at her office door.
She screamed anywhere she damn well pleased AND I did not know she was abusing me.

In the early 1980s, I worked at a large insurance company in NYC. I got a position there as a management trainee. I was so happy. Here was the dream coming true.
I had immigrated to NY in 1974.
I had finished college while holding down 3 part-time jobs.
I had succeeded in getting a scholarship for graduate school and NOW I was ready to take the world by storm.
During the training process, I was sent to many different departments and I eagerly ate up all that I was learning.

THEN….. I was sent to HER department!
Her initials were MF! Yes, no kidding…MF.
Her style of clothing was sharp and tailored and she was always straightening her hair with her fingers, never a single strand was out of place.

At first, I really admired her. She was just three years older than me and she was already in middle management, marching her way to upper management. I wanted to be just like her.

She quickly zeroed in on me and she gave me all the attention I ever wanted…more than I ever wanted.
She took great pride in screaming at me when and wherever she damned well pleased.
She was a terror. Her face would get all red and inflamed and she would take great big gulps of breath and just let her vitriol pour all over people.

I began to have major issues with my health and was always sick. I went to every doctor I could find and nothing was wrong with me.
Little did I know that it was the unbearable stress of that office environment that was making me ill.
I never associated her incessant screaming and mistreatment of her employees with abuse.
Why?
I grew up in an environment where people screamed at each other ALL the time.
In my home and neighborhood, the adults were mean. They screamed at children whenever they felt like it.
Children were not to be cherished or taught. They were to be yelled at, made to feel like crap and then beaten for not behaving like little adults.
I was primed for the screaming lunatic that I worked for.
She could not have asked for a better victim.

The sad thing was this…
I did not know that I was a victim.

I thought that I was the perfect feminist;
Strong
Untouchable
A force to be reckoned with.
I was NONE of the above.

I was a young woman trying to recover from childhood abuse and not knowing that it WAS a big deal that I had been abused.
I did not realize that the treatment I had received as a child SET me up to be the perfect victim for the rest of my life.
I did not realize that I expected to be treated badly. I accepted that I was less worthy than others and so was not at all surprised when I was yelled at for not measuring up.

Here is what I wished I could have done to MF!
I wished I could have said, “You screaming at me?”
I wished I could have channeled a future child of mine who liked to say, “Why don’t you try being an adult for a change.”
I wished I could have respected myself enough to walk away from the Screamer and realize that her problems belonged to HER.

Here is my advice to all of you with screamers in your life….
Envision the famous painting the SCREAM when you find yourself face to face with a SCREAMER, it may provide the distance you need to remove yourself from their toxic energies.

And ALWAYS remember that you DESERVE to be respected BUT you must respect yourself first.
Love and light,
Indrani