A thunderstorm of shame….

July 10, 2013Uncategorizedbe an empathetic listener, be vulnerable, Brene Brown, Dr. Brene Brown, Empathy, hurtful moments, live big, The Power of Vulnerability, whole-hearted livingIndrani Goradia

You’re not really my friend … so you can’t share our hotel room!

These words were said to me about 24 years ago by two women who I thought were my friends.
Let me set up the scenario.
I was pregnant with my second child and really quite pregnant….about 7 months.
I was a member of a women’s club that was hosting a girl’s weekend and I was attending. One last hurrah before the baby came.
I had brought two women into the club and so I approached them and said, “Let’s share a room!” They said sure!
A few days later, one of them came to me and said, “Katherine and I spoke and we realized that we are not that good of
friends with you….so we don’t want to share a room with you.”

Holy Crap….did she really just say that?
Yep, she did!
I went home and wept!
I wept like a baby.
Listening to Brene Brown’s The Power of Vulnerability has allowed me to rewrite the script of that painful incident and to keep it now in my arsenal for great examples of when self-love could have helped me.

Listening to these CDs is like eating 12 scoops of ice cream too fast and getting brain freeze but you would never think of throwing the ice cream away.

If we can remember the hurtful moments in our lives, we can give ourselves the empathy that others could not show and we can use those hurtful memories to help others in pain.

We can call upon our hurtful past to become an empathetic listener to someone else.

Let us remember without falling prey to the pain.

Let us live BIG and BE vulnerable. It is the only way to whole-hearted living. Thanks Brene.

Love and light,

Indrani

Life Imitating Cinema…..

July 6, 2013Uncategorizedchoices, courage, do for others, do your best, give wholeheartedly, happiness, Happiness Therapy, letting go of negative, love, love others, love yourself, say no to drama, step out of your comfort zone, youIndrani Goradia

I recently had a long flight and got a chance to watch some movies. The one that intrigued me most was Happiness Therapy.

Short version:

Guy seems to be bipolar, freaks out when he catches his wife having shower sex and has a big fight with the shower sex guy. Wife leaves him. He is released from a Psych hospital to live with his parents and he is hyper-focused on getting his wife back. His father is a bookie and has major OCD issues, expects the son to just sit and hold two remotes while the Eagles play whoever they are playing. Guy meets a girl who is also struggling with her issues and invites him to be her dance partner in a competition, in exchange for giving the ex wife a letter.

As I watched it, I was mesmerized by how simple the lesson was for the world.

Here is my take….

This guy is struggling to deal with his mental stuff and trying to think of ways to get back his wife. The girl gives him a chance to help her fulfill one of her dreams and with that promise, he begins to think of someone other than himself and to think of something other than the ex wife.

He practices the dance moves constantly and he is physically exhausted and seems to be getting more mental clarity.

The girl shows him how to tap into real emotion and how to sit with the feelings, also how to bring the emotions to the dance floor.

Meanwhile his father talks him into going to the stadium, where he gets into another fight and he gets arrested.

His father makes a bookie bet on what score he will get in the dance competition and puts additional pressure on his son.

Lessons for all of us

Do something significant for someone else.
The something must be out of our comfort zone, so we can rewire our brains.
Stay away from people who try to put us back into their dramas, even if those people are family.
Do our best in the new commitment and with feeling and purpose.
When people make bets on whether we do well or not, ignore them, they are toxic.
Give wholeheartedly to the people we are helping.

I know that this blog may seem a little “pie in the sky” but it is really a good formula for permanent change.

Watch this movie, Happiness Therapy…it may help to cement these lessons.

Love and light,

Indrani

The Power of the Positive Question…PPQ…

July 3, 2013Uncategorizedchange your thinking, insight, positive psychology, self improvement, The Power of a Positive Question, values, what's right with this situationIndrani Goradia

The power of the positive in the field of Psychology is reshaping the way we think about self improvement.

It postulates, in a nut shell, that we can change our brains and our behaviors by asking “What’s right with us and how can we get more of the things we want in life?”

This difference is in direct contrast to the traditional view of Psychology which focuses on “What’s wrong with us and how do I fix me and you and all that is bad in the world?”

To begin to understand the PPQ applied in any situation, do this deceptively simple exercise:

Bring to mind something that is troubling you. Pick something that is mildly troubling for now so you won’t get caught up in too much emotion.

Now ask and answer the following questions on a piece of paper:

1. What can I be proud of with this situation?

2. What can I be grateful for with this situation?

3. What are the positive and important elements within this situation?

4. What’s important to me about this situation?

5. How does this situation inform me about myself, the other and the issue at hand?

6. Using all of my values (take the survey at www.viasurvey.org) how can I positively affect this situation?

I hope you will take the time to do this exercise; it will give you great insight about yourself and give you a different view about whatever issue you are investigating.

Have fun!

Love and light,

Indrani

Faberge or Fauxberge?

June 29, 2013Uncategorizedbe authentic, be you, choices, fake, faux, letting go of negative, love yourself, right you, self love, self respect, VIA Survey, youIndrani Goradia

A few weeks ago I attended the Faberge exhibit at the Houston Museum of Natural Science.

Turns out the collection belonged to someone who started quite by accident.

The first piece that the collector bought turned out to be a fake (hence Fauxberge) and that mistake put her on a quest to educate herself about the authentic Faberge pieces.

She spent thousands of hours and as many dollars learning as much as she could about the art and hired many specialists to help her to identify real from fake.

How can this story possibly be connected to you?

Have you ever been called names or been told you were insensitive or mean. Have you ever been accused of turning your back on someone?

Have you ever accepted the accusations as real?

If you have, you have accepted the false or fake you that the other person is seeing.

You can say that they have FAUXED you! Yes, I just made up that word. It is pronounced “fawd”.

They have “sold” and you may have “bought” the false and unflattering description of you.

Who can you turn to for authentication?

The best source is, of course, YOU. However, sometimes you may be feeling so bad that you cannot be your own best friend. This is when you turn to others who are the “learned” in the field of life.

This could be a trusted friend, family member or a coach.

Each of these people can reflect to you a truer sense of who you are. Each of these individuals will release you from the choke-hold of the false beliefs.

It really is worth the investment of time and maybe dollars to investigate your true and sacred nature.

Don’t be fooled by people who try to paint you with unflattering strokes.

Be brave and stand up to these thieves of your divine self and stand in your authenticity.

If you would like a tried and true way to uncover your beautiful values go to www.viasurvey.org and take the free test.

Love and light,

Indrani

Are you an approval junkie?

June 26, 2013Uncategorizedapproval, approval junkie, choices, dissapproval, happiness, kick perfection to the curb, letting go of negative, love yourself, respect, right you, self acceptance, self respect, youIndrani Goradia

Approval junkies MUST have people give them a constant supply of their drug of choice…APPROVAL.
“The most sensitive of approval junkies are reluctant to take any action that might be in their own best interest because they’d risk incurring anyone’s disdain.”

How do you handle disapproval?
Do you crater?
Do you feel like you cannot breathe?
Do you feel like your world is falling apart?

Can you ask a good, TRUSTED friend to tell you what you tend to do when people are likely to disapprove of you?

A good friend of mine finally had the nerve to stand up to her cheating husband. He accused her of being frigid and cold and not at all sexy, so that’s why he had to have affairs. After a few years of hearing these words and often believing them, one day she said, “So why would you even want to stay in this marriage if I am all of those things?” He was shocked. She asked for a divorce and told him to leave the apartment. He dragged his feet for almost 8 months and she KNEW that he was not even looking for a new place to stay.

One day when he was at work, she traded apartments with the neighbor across the hall and when he came home and used his key he found himself in someone else’s home and his clothes were in garbage bags at the bottom of the stairs. He was shocked.

That is how she managed to escape the tyranny of a lousy marriage.

He knew all of her hot buttons and he pushed them regularly. Further, he was a financial contributor and she needed his help. When she finally woke up, she had to get out.

She is happily married today and we both laugh at the experience.

What MUST you finally accept about yourself to avoid the hot buttons being activated?

One of the things that I had to accept about myself was that I have a loud voice and I speak my mind.

So now when people accuse me of speaking up or talking out of turn, it no longer hurts my feelings and I say… YEP, that’s who I am and I love myself!
What do you LOVE about yourself?

Love and light,

Indrani

Are you a fence post?

June 22, 2013Uncategorizedabuse, an empowered no, choices, courage, domestic violence, end the silence, end violence, fear, love yourself, protect your child, protect yourself, right action, self love, self respect, speak up, speak your truth, standing your ground, start new, Stop domestic violence, take action, truth, truthful speech, use your voice, vulnerability, youIndrani Goradia

A few months ago I was at a program at Kripalu and while on a walk one morning I observed some people building a fence.

That in of itself was not a big deal, except for the tool that was used to set the fence post.

It looked like a metal hat that fit over the top of the post and was used the push the post into the ground so it would be as sturdy as possible.

I immediately thought about women who were beaten down by others into being submissive and “put in their place” so the family system could be supported, whether the system was healthy or not.

I imagined that every time a woman or girl was told to be silent about rape or other abuse, that she was like that fence post, rammed on the head to be quiet and stay silent so that the status quo could be maintained.

I imagined that every time a woman decided that it was better to suffer in silence than shed light on the inhumane treatment she was receiving at home, that she was the one who banged herself into submission.

I imagined that she saw herself as the post and the tool. Maybe the thinking is that she better not rock the post or the whole system will come crashing down and everyone will blame her.

These musings are of course my own imaginings and I could be very wrong.

I have no answers about why women accept abuse and why they don’t speak up the very first time it happens.

Perhaps if one of you reading this has been silent in the past, the image of being bashed over the head as if you are a fence post might help you to speak up and take action.

If you don’t speak up now…then perhaps you will in the not so distant future.

My hope is that you eventually protect yourself and protect the children who may be witnessing the abuse.

Love and light,

Indrani

When people say NO to your passion… it’s ok!

June 19, 2013Uncategorizedaccept the word no, acceptance, choices, disappointment, execute your dreams, focus on your dream, follow your dream, gratitude practice, my dream is not your dream, no, respond with love, serving others, support others, when others say no, when others say no to your passion, youIndrani Goradia

Many of you already know that my work is about serving abused women by providing free empowerment classes.

If you didn’t know just read a few more blogs and you’ll get the idea.

My dream is to blanket the world with trainers who will deliver my programs FOR FREE!

My dream is to train others FOR FREE and have them serve women who are ready to move out of their situations.

I always planned to cover expenses….but not pay for the trainer’s time.

I saw it as a way for others to be Philanthropists…not simply volunteers.

This was MY DREAM.

So, I started the training process. I invited my first group of amazing women and we began the journey of my dream.

Life, however, had other plans for some of these amazing women. One by one, they discovered that my dream was not their dream.

So far, I have less than ½ of the number with which we began.

The miracle here is this:

I AM NOT TAKING THIS PERSONALLY.

Actually, I am overjoyed for those who have found a different way to serve, as they are all doing.

They have found their own urgency and their own whisperings louder than those of my dream and for that I am grateful. I am happy to see them follow their own yellow brick road.

I honor and am grateful for the time they gave and hope that one day I can partake in their dream and support them, as they have done me.

What’s the lesson here?

The lesson is simple….if you are clear about your path then the HOW and the WHAT will show itself in good time. The feelings of anxiety and angst arrive when we try to make things fit the way we THINK they should fit.

So, the next time you feel discouraged about a dream falling apart, do these few things:

Take time to breathe into the pain of loss.
Allow yourself to feel the grief without anger to yourself or others.
Respond with love…you LOVE this person, remember that!
Ask them how you can be a cheerleader for them.
Support their passions.

Disappointment is never easy to take and you can turn around the feelings of loss by focusing on your dream, not the other’s decision.

Love and light,

Indrani

Damaged people damage people…

June 15, 2013Uncategorizedbe present, choices, courage, damaged people, let go of toxic people, letting go of negative, letting go of the negative, love yourself, Marianne Williamson, navigating the ups and downs, negative attitude, negative people, right action, self love, self respect, standing your ground, tag action in the present, use your voice, youIndrani Goradia

“Damaged people damage people.” Marianne Williamson
Does this sentence make sense to you?
Have you ever been in a room full of negative people and try as you may, they soon coat you with their negativity?
What is it about human nature that we tend to stick around toxic people in hopes of changing them?

You know if you are that type. I know that I used to be. The worse someone treated me, the longer I stuck around and the more emotional energy I invested in the relationship as if that would get me an A+ from some imagined professor. I would make excuses for them and tell my other friends things like, “Oh, if you ONLY knew the real so and so.” My friends would say, “If only YOU would see the real person, then you could get out.”

It is quite a pity that I had to get so old before I realized that I was wasting my time and energy with certain types of individuals. I wish I could bottle the knowledge gained from experience and give it away freely to younger women.

Unfortunately, that is not possible.
What I can do is compile a list of questions that you can ask yourself to get clarity about whether to stick around those certain individuals…here goes:

Do they make you feel better about yourself? I have a new favorite TV show called Nashville. There is a young couple on the show and he has
begun to mistreat her and accuses her of sidelining him. She tries to explain and she keeps trying to show him how much she loves him, BUT
it is not working. I want to scream at the TV and say LEAVE!

Do you feel like this person has a clear sense of what they want from their life? Is their path clear to them? If the person wants you to switch your life around so that they can be more comfortable, then this may be a sign that there is trouble in paradise.

Which begs the question, was there ever a paradise? Was there ever a time when you felt really supported and comforted? If not, why expect it now?
If yes, and something has changed, then find the courage to open up the conversation about what has changed AND do not accept blame heaped upon you.

Navigating the ups and downs of life is not easy and NEVER will be.
The easy thing to do is to accept the situation, lie and tell yourself that there is nothing you can do and THEN DO NOTHING!
Yes, doing nothing about people who make you feel like the scum of the earth is easy in the SHORT run!
In the LONG run, it is the best way to lose yourself to lies and pain.
The LONG run is what needs to be addressed, by being courageous enough to take action in the PRESENT, the shorter run.

This really is the only way!

Love and light,
Indrani

Call me CRAZY!

June 12, 2013Uncategorizedan empowered no, be present, best, call me maybe, choices, crazy, how to say no, love, love yourself, respect, self love, self respect, youIndrani Goradia

You know the song “Call Me Maybe”? If not, Google it now and have a listen. It is really sweet and fun to dance to!

I have some lyric changes for those of us who meet someone and BAM, we are in love!
Then when it does not turn out to be a fairy tale, we blame everyone else and we swear the next “stranger in the night” will be perfect.
By the way, Stranger in The Night is another song from long ago…it too deserves a listen.

Here goes…

Hey, I just met you
You say you love me
And here’s my money
Just call me crazy

Hey, I don’t know you
But you swear you love me
And I’m so desperate
So call me crazy

Hey, where you going?
We just had sex
You said you loved me
Now you say I’m crazy?

Hey, I really love you
I really hate me
And now you’re scared of me
Am I crazy?

I don’t claim to be a song writer but you get the point, right?

Some of us do crazy things and expect romantic outcomes.

Let’s respect ourselves, have our own life plan and use our thinking brains.
And NO, THAT’S NOT CRAZY!

Love and light,
Indrani

Flying or pelted?

June 8, 2013Uncategorizedchoices, crazy stunts, downward spiral, fly by choice, personal choice, right action, self love, self respect, stunts, unseen forces, use your voice, youIndrani Goradia

What’s the difference between a stunt plane driver in gleeful free-falls and that same pilot in that same plane being thrown around by a tornado?

Give up?

The difference is Personal Choice!

The next time you feel like you’re in a downward spiral, ask yourself this question:

Am I an incredible Stunt Pilot and these crazy stunts are MY Choice?
Or
Am I being PELTED about by the unseen forces of ______________? (fill in the blank)

Some of the words to fill that blank space might be:
Parents
Culture
Abusers
Co-workers
Bosses
Religion

After you have filled in the blank, look around and realize that the tornados are not REAL tornados.

How can you find the perfect stunt plane and fly by choice?
Love and light,

Indrani

Indrani’s Light Foundation

Supporting Advocates to Support Others

A thunderstorm of shame….

Life Imitating Cinema…..

The Power of the Positive Question…PPQ…

Faberge or Fauxberge?

Are you an approval junkie?

Are you a fence post?

When people say NO to your passion… it’s ok!

Damaged people damage people…

Call me CRAZY!

Flying or pelted?

Give to Indrani’s Light Foundation