Dancing with Wild Abandon

WomanDancingonPorch via chatelaine.comI had seen her many times during the past few months. She is small and cute and always smiling.

For some reason, she always hugged me as soon as she saw me and we exchanged pleasantries.

When she danced in Zumba her hair flew, her hips spoke volumes and her arms were as expressive as the rest of the Latin lovelies in the class. She used her hair as another appendage and her golden locks flew every which way.

I always admired her ability to move fluidly and effortlessly, as I stomped about and pretended to be effortless also.

A few days ago, she lingered a little longer and I asked what she did when she was not in Zumba. She said she had two little ones, ages 2 and 5 and she takes care of them. I was surprised since she seemed to be 16 years old!

We talked a few more minutes and she asked, “You work in shelters?”

I replied, “Yes, I do.”

Without erasing her smile she said, “I was in a shelter in 2011.”

I am not easily surprised and I usually am not in “work” mode when at Zumba.

I paused and said, “The same man or another man?”

She said, “The same man.”

She continued, “He is not so bad these days.”

Then she said, “That is why I dance, to forget.”

She walked away with a sweet “Bye.”

I looked at her as she left, wanting to run to her and say I will always be here for you.

I could not, she did not ask me for my help.

I took comfort in knowing that she felt comfortable enough to speak her truth and that she has found a way to forget and deal with her pain.

Cardio for her heart…Zumba now holds a whole new meaning for me.

 

Love and Light,

Indrani

Neuroplacticity…your path to freedom!

 

neuroplasticity via mimlearning.comHave you heard of the science of Neuroplacticity? This marvel of science is defined as the brain’s natural ability to form new connections in order to compensate for injury or changes in one’s environment.

I think of it as creating new maps inside our head.

Do you remember when you learned how to ride a bike? How many years ago was that?

I bet you can still get on a bike now and remember how to ride. Your brain has a map of that process and without much thought you are flying down the street!

Everything we have ever done and learned has made “impressions” in our brain and those lessons are imprinted. The more we practice something the better we get.

This works really well if what we are practicing will give us a return of a happy and joy filled life.
It does not work so well when the things we do repeatedly causes us stress and pain.

Recently, I met a very gifted woman who has had worldwide success with her artwork.
I was at a health spa in Southern India and I first saw her screaming at the desk attendant that “after all these bloody years, why
couldn’t she just have a bloody electric kettle to make her bloody coffee?”

I immediately extended my hand and said, “Hi, it sounds like you are having a heck of a time getting your coffee.”

She quickly apologized for the loud voice and said she was just being a bitch.
I stuck around and we chatted. Within 10 minutes I had her whole life history and all the stuff that had gone wrong.
I thought she was having a really bad day.

I saw her again at dinner and we sat together, and again she repeated all the woes of her life.

We said goodnight and I was happy that her bad day was over.

The next day, we saw each other for all three meals and the stories were the exact same! This was not an “I’m having a bed day thing” this was a “my life sucks” thing.

She was consistent!

On the 3rd day, I challenged her to only say what she was grateful for and to her credit, she switched gears…for five minutes and then BAM, she was right back in the story of “woe is me”.

I felt like I wanted to run and hide.
This woman had complained about her lot and lack for so long that she created a sheath of myelin so thick around lack that she literally could not manage to stay positive for more than 5 minutes.

I can come up with at least 20 things that I see as great and awesome in her life.
I also think she is an awesome woman…but not when she is complaining as though it is her profession.
If she wants to change this negative behavior she has to create NEW neuro-pathways in her brain. She has to invoke the magic of neuroplacticity and start laying down new sheaths of myelin.

How does one create new pathways?

The first step is to KNOW that you want something different than what you have.

Want to learn a new language?
Which one?
What method?

Get the point?
You have to have a plan around the new thing you want to learn.

If she wants to be more positive, it is a matter of practicing. She could set aside 10 minutes daily to write down all of the positives in her life or enlist a friend to help her see the power of the positive once daily.

When I suggested that she start or end her day with a list of gratitude items, she told he she can’t do that. I asked if she knew how to write?
She then said it would be too much work.

The next step for creating a new pathway is to believe that the work is worth the result you wish to achieve.
If you do not believe that you have the power to create change or that you are worthy of the effort, you will not change.
You must ask yourself these questions:
1. Do you want it? Really want it?
2. Are you are willing to take small steps to making the new habit?
3. Do you believe that you are worth the new life you say you want?

I have been accused of singular focus when I decide to do something. I decided to do a triathlon, so I had to learn to swim competitively. I went to swim class every day for 3 months. I never even considered that I could not complete the triathlon. I created new neuro-pathways in my brain.

These days when I decide to do something new, I just start small and stay the course.

I was recently diagnosed with diabetes and I promised my doctor that I would turn my numbers around. I completely gave up bread and cakes and sweets and within 4 months my numbers were better.

We have the power to make significant changes in our lives, if only we accept the challenge to do something differently.

How could my love of bread and cake be more important than my love of my legs and my eyesight?
Diabetes steals eyesight and amputations in diabetics are common when the patient is out of control.
Who would I blame if these things were to happen?

What changes would you like to make this year?
How can you help yourself to keep those steps small and manageable?
The journey of one thousand steps really does start with the first.
Enjoy the journey, each step of it and have faith that the destination will be glorious because you have taken charge of your own destiny.

Love and light,
Indrani

Mercenaries of the heart….

Warrior Woman SilhouetteWhat is your weapon of choice? Sarcasm, bitterness, coldness…maybe even anger?  Sometimes it feels like you against the world, right? Oh I know….I wage my own battles.
My favorite shield and swords are stubbornness, detachment and narrow-mindedness.  Yes these weapons keep my feelings, heart and my soul safe.

Hiding in foxholes is part of my warfare, arms at the ready waiting to lunge at my adversary.  I stand guard to protect myself.

Are you a fearless warrior?
Fearless front-linesmen we can be, fighting for the safety of our hearts, the invisible war of words and feelings between foes and ourselves.

And as we pick and choose our battles, in the end we may have escaped fresh wounds of the heart and soul but we are callused with the scars from cuts and abrasions of past skirmishes.

We wear our scars like badges of courage.

We retreat back to our castles, the doors swing down allowing us to cross over the moat we have built to keep others out.
The cold stone walls run high….too high for the marauded invaders to scale.

Here we are safe. Here we can be at peace.  But within our walls do we have comfort?  Do we have warmth?
I ask myself if my castle walls have really turned into prison walls.
Am I now my own prisoner of war?

I am disconnected and isolated.

This world war is over.

And the bigger question now is do I have the courage to take the walls down?
Do I have the courage to drop my weapons of the crusade and walk out in peace?
Like the strength that kept me going in the heat of battle, can I find that strength to reach out and connect with the world around me?
Can I drop decorations of a brave soldier and strip off my chain mail suit and see myself naked in my authenticity, see my genuine needs and honor the needs and feelings now that there are no more dragons to slay?
I don’t know, but I will try.  For if not, I remain behind the walls I have built.

I ask you to look the conflicts you have.
Can you lay down your weapons, walk out from behind the walls around you to step out and stand in your own truth?

Life is a series of paths…take them

 

walking_alone via lifeundermicroscopeIf you take a meditative moment to chart your life you will see that you have arrived where you are by consciously or subconsciously taking a series of paths.

Some of them were clearly marked:

  • Elementary School
  • Middle School
  • High School

Maybe you ended right where those paths were going.

Maybe you changed your mind.

Make no mistake; you took another path, and another and many more.

Maybe you took a path called Marriage and ended up at a destination called Divorce.

Perhaps the College path led to Masters and PhD, maybe it led to Take a Break from College.

 

When you take a moment to reflect on your paths, be sure to congratulate yourself on all the ways you have been trying to find yourself and your Joy.

Only you can make these “turn on a dime” decisions.

If one decision is not working out, make another decision.

Your stash of decisions is limitless.

Your ability to “turn on a dime” is honed.

Your readiness for change is built into your DNA.

Take a new path and see where it leads… then take another.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Bricks are for building….NOT throwing at people!

 

one brick at a time via faithlifewomenI was having a lazy morning the other day and as I flipped through channels I came across one of those Judge shows.
I don’t remember who the judge was BUT I do remember what the case was.

Woman: He threw a brick at my car and broke my windshield.
Man: She made me do it, because she makes me so mad.
Judge: Tell me exactly what happened, Sir.
Man: She is always running around and makes me so jealous and she is always going out at night……
Judge to woman: Tell me Ma’am, do you go out a lot at night?
Woman: Yes your Honor, I am a party planner and I have to stay at the event. I have been doing this for 3 years and I keep telling him that I am not fooling around….

I could not believe what I was hearing…right in front of me was the unraveling of a relationship because of raging jealousy and out of
control anger. This woman was lucky that this man had not already maimed or killed her.

The woman said she had seen this out of control anger but kept trying to reason with him.

She kept telling him how faithful she was and he just never believes her.

SHE GOT LUCKY!
SHE GOT OUT!

All of the signs were there and she did not add them up, UNTIL the shit hit the fan…the BRICK hit THE CAR!

Thankfully the brick did NOT hit her!

Abuse starts and ends the same way:
1. Incident sets the abuser off
2. The act of abuse
3. The honeymoon phase.

Yes, it is that easy… there is always a trigger, the actual violence and the “Oh baby, I am so sorry”…

It is not so easy to leave, and that makes the abuser gain strength.
The longer you stay the more strength the abuser gains.

If someone is throwing, hitting, slapping, raping, dragging, cuffing, etc…try to get out.

Call the National Hotline…1-800-799-SAFE or visit http://www.thehotline.org/

Love and light,
Indrani

She is NOT a mistake…..

 

Ma’am, now I know I am not a mistake.

 

She slowly stood up from her seat in the auditorium. She was getting ready to respond to my question.

“What do you know now that you did not know 3 hours ago?”

She shyly stood and said, “Indrani, ma’am, now I know I am not a mistake.”

She had a certain knowing in her eyes and a soft giant-ness in her voice when she delivered those words.

The whole room erupted with applause. My eyes stung with tears and I recognized the face of courage and bravery.

She had been told since the day she was born that she was a mistake because she was not a boy.

She was told that she was worth less than a male child.

She was told that she was a burden, only eating and using up resources.

She would be sold off or married off to the highest bidder as soon as her father could arrange it.

Now, here, in this room, 18 years after her birth, she is ready to believe otherwise.

 

 

Love and light

Indrani

PTSD or PTG?

African-American-woman-meditating1We all know that PTSD means Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but do you know what PTG means?
PTG is Post Traumatic Growth.
There is much evidence that there can be growth from trauma.
No one would choose to be traumatized.
Trauma is an uninvited visitor and some people turn it into amazing gifts.
These people describe their lives as before the (fill in the blank) and after.
They seem to be able to excavate the experience and come up with the most amazing insights.

I recently attended a Women and Power Conference and met many such women.
There was Loung Ung whose parents were executed by the Kymer Rouge. Loung was forced to be a child soldier and has now written three books and has returned to Cambodia more than 30 times to promote human rights and justice. You can learn about her at www.loungung.com

Then I was mesmerized by Ubaka Hill, who was raped starting at a very young age and has turned to music and drumming to promote healing and community building.
You can journey with her at www.ubakahilldrumsong.com

These women are JUST like you and me. Trauma found them and they found ways to self heal and to heal their respective communities.

I was an abused child and now I devote my life to help victims of Domestic Violence because by helping the mom I can help the child who has been abused or witnessed abuse.

I am no one special. My trauma gave me my super power of compassion and empathy.
My trauma made me special….the trauma that I did not invite.

I know that you too have had trauma that was UNinvited.
Will you talk to a professional about the best way to move through your pain and then will you step into PTG?

The growth is in there…and it wants to come out.
Love and light,

Indrani

Work is a verb…..

man_hands via salonThe definition of WORK is activity in which one exerts strength or faculties to do or perform something:  the labor, task, or duty that is one’s accustomed means of livelihood.

From my high school physics class, I remember that work is an expenditure of energy and that energy achieves something.

In everyday terms, the sun works with leaves for photosynthesis and the worms work makes soil worthwhile for planting.

I work at my non-profit so that I can help to change the world view on Domestic Violence.

When we decide to work, we have decided to be active.

Being active means being intentional about outcomes and outcomes require certain steps.

If you want to WORK at changing your habits…..say smoking, you have to CHOOSE to NOT smoke and get help in doing so. Help can be a gum, a patch, hypnosis, therapy or some other intervention. Nicotine is addictive so your brain needs help to help itself.

The whole point of deciding to WORK at something in hopes of changing it means to be intentional, active and present.

What “thing” in your life have you decided to change?

What help have you sought?

How active are you being?

Are you finding that it’s really easy to “fall off the wagon?”

OK, so get back ON the wagon.

If it’s worth doing, then it’s worth the time, toil and trouble.

The next time you feel like giving up, give yourself a breather and get RIGHT BACK TO WORK.

Love and light,

Indrani

YOUR WORST MOMENTS DO NOT DEFINE YOU!!!

perfectionistGive yourself a break and redefine yourself with the best of you!

If you find yourself stuck in a destructive thought pattern and are beating yourself up, you may be picking your own brain looking for evidence about what a screw up you are.

You may even be at the receiving end of someone telling you how screwed up you are and listing the evidence to support the “you are screwed up” theory.

Try to remove yourself from these people or this situation IMMEDIATELY!

Even if you can only get away by going to the toilet, go to the toilet.

Sit in there for as long as you need to break the onslaught of negativity.

If people begin to yell at you to come out, lie and say you have stomach problems and stay longer. The longer you stay in the toilet, the easier it is for them to lose their wrath and maybe calm down a bit.

Always remove yourself from the negative barrage of others.

People who are busy screaming and yelling at you about how bad you are do not have time to look at their own bad behaviors. They are turning their discomfort into anger directed at you so they don’t have to feel their own emotions.

The time to engage with people raging at you is NOT when they are raging.

The ONLY thing to do with a RAGER is to disengage.

So the next time you are being told how bad or stupid you are….disengage as soon as you can and refuse to be defined by others.

If you have made a mistake, forgive yourself and do not be defined by that mistake. Know too, that you are fully human and that you will make many more mistakes in the future. It is with our mistakes that we learn our greatest lessons.

Go forth and make mistakes, learn from them and refuse to be defined by them.

Love and light,

Indrani

 

A night at the movies…

Woman watching movie with popcorn via travelssentials.comAnswer me oh my love, just what sin have I been guilty of?

Won’t you tell me where I’ve lost your love?

Please answer me sweetheart.

 

This was one of my father’s favorite songs by Nat King Cole. I know all the words.

The other day the song popped into my head and I had a whole new appreciation of the first two lines. If you can hear these words coming out of the mouth of an abused woman you will understand where I am going with this post.

Imagine you are looking at a movie, there is a couple that is wildly in love and after an amazing courtship they have a great marriage. A few years into the marriage, she is being picked apart…at first, just little stuff like the way she combs her hair or the way she laughs out loud. The things that were engaging and cute now become irritating.

She begins to see herself as “not good enough” for him anymore.

Isolation begins to set in. She feels isolated from him, from her friends and family and from herself.

She begins to feel inferior to him and others.

She may begin to self diagnose as “crazy” or “hysterical” and she accepts the pathologies and looks for confirmation that she is sick.

She gets diagnosed by a mental health professional as “depressed” and begins medication. Things at home never change for the better. In fact, things get worse because even though she may be feeling better inside the outside nit picking does not let up.

By now, the situation at home may have escalated to physical abuse and sexual abuse.

Now she feels really bad and even more depressed!

She begins to hate herself and the only way she can dispel the self hatred and pain is to turn on other women and judge and gossip. She begins to look for people worse off than her and she feels relief from the judgment.

As an observer of the movie, it is sad to see her life get so messed up so quickly. As an observer you want to shout to her tell her to get out!

It’s easy to see when others are being sidelined and abused. It is not so easy to see it in ourselves.

If any piece of this scenario applies to you, take a moment to look at the whole movie about how it got to this point and follow your own advice… Get OUT!

 

Love and light,

Indrani