Find the meaning behind your childhood dream…..
Tag Archives: children
Limitations, oh limitations where art thou?
Just the other day on a flight home from Trinidad I watched a movie with Vince Vaughn. It was the movie about Google and his character said, “If you fight for your limitations, you get to keep them.”
I immediately began to birth this blog. I have been struggling with some of the language around Gender Violence and I have been struggling with the impatience I feel when people say things like:
It will always be like this.
That’s just the way it is.
How are we going to fix what has always been broken?
In the vernacular of Trinidad, it’s “Whah yuh go do?”
It’s pronounced as one word, “Whahyuhgodo?”
It is usually followed by a shrug and a laugh that means it’s too hard to tackle or a sucking of the teeth. (Which means the speaker is quite done with the conversation.)
I have a HUGE problem with the “whahyuhgodo” attitude!
The line in the movie, “If you fight for your limitations, you get to keep them” made me realize why.
When we give up the fight to make things better, we fight for the limits and we put limits on our dreams for humanity.
Please don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that we can fix all the ills of humanity but when is it a good time to give up?
Should we give up when we are…
Rich enough?
Old enough?
Young enough?
Poor enough?
What’s the best time to give up the fight for a better way to treat our fellow humans?
Gender violence does not just hurt the women and girls.
Sons see their mothers being pummeled and broken.
Sons hear their sisters and mothers cowering and crying and feel helpless.
Sons are also attacked and made to feel broken.
Often children who are witnessing the violence are told NOT to help or the mother will be worse off.
Often the mother implores the children to “go back to sleep” even as she is fighting for her life.
Children are not stupid.
They know that their house is a war zone.
They know that neighbors know their house is a war zone and they see NO one trying to help them.
Can we STOP fighting for our limitations?
Can we begin to live each day a little brighter than the last?
Can we begin to HOLD dear the possibility that limitations are a coward’s way through tough times?
I do not want to live the life of a coward.
I want to live brave and strong and hopeful and for that I need to identify my limitations. I need to keep trying to find a better way into a world that is free from Gender Violence.
We owe it to every single child, boys as well as girls.
Let them grow up in houses full of love and hope.
Let them have limitations like which new planet to inhabit, not the limitation of wondering if Mom will be “sick” today and who will help with dinner and homework.
Love and light,
Indrani
Two WRONGS don’t make a RIGHT….
This was a saying that I used to hear while growing up in Trinidad, in The West Indies.
It was usually lobbed at me from a very angry parent, (read rageful) and it was usually because someone hit me and I hit them back.
I never understood why I should not defend myself.
Recently I visited my childhood home and as someone was telling a story about a child making a mistake, the saying “Two wrongs don’t make a right” popped into my head.
The storyteller was relaying that a teenager had taken a dish into their kitchen and showed that the dish was still dirty.
A family member of the teenager then said, “Get the HELL out of the kitchen and put the damn cup down!”
The teller of the story was chuckling, gleefully, because the teenager had been “put in their place.”
In a flash, I was filled with anger and disgust and said, “Was it really necessary to curse and embarrass the teenager?”
The story teller was not at all pleased with the way their story landed on my psyche.
The storyteller did not see that yelling at children and publicly embarrassing them was not the way to teach.
It constantly amazes me that “mature” people still think screaming at children is the way to their hearts and minds.
Children need love, care, feeding and watering.
Parents, if you are still screaming, embarrassing and denigrating your children, please take as long as you need to look at your destructive behaviors.
You are destroying the next generation.
Please sign up for some parenting classes and I do not mean any of the “spare the rod, spoil the child” kind of classes.
I mean the class that shows you, the parent, that children are gifts from a divine source and that they are given to us to cherish and protect.
Love and light,
Indrani
Lessons from Olga…..
She wouldn’t accept my offer of a bracelet.
She wouldn’t let me make a crown for her.
She refused to come closer.
She was one of the 200 or so students in one of the orphanages that my clown group visited.
There I was sitting on a step, making crowns from pipe cleaners. The kids were lined up for their crowns….girls, boys, small, big, some young and some older.
I am not sure when she decided to come closer, but there she was and ready for a crown.
I crafted her crown carefully and with an extra dose of gratitude for trusting that I would not harm her.
When the pipe cleaners were finished, I started making beaded bracelets for everyone. I made hers first and she carefully selected her beads from the small baggies that sat precipitously on my lap. As the kids realized that something new was being given, they quickly swarmed and began demanding their bracelet. She became my helper and as kids requested the color of beads, “rojo, verde, azul, blanco”. She quietly and efficiently fished the correct bead from the baggie and gave it to me to thread on the multi-colored string.
I hugged her and said, “Adios” and thanked her for her help. She smiled and her eyes twinkled.
The magic of this connection was that she did not know if she cared to connect or even if she trusted me. I did not base my success that morning on whether or not she would accept my gifts. I was there, loving and giving without thought as to what her role should or ought to be.
Should she be grateful that I had come all the way from America to visit that orphanage?
Should she care that I had spent money on these pipe cleaners and the baggie of beads?
No!
Her only job was to be herself.
My job was to be loving and present and joyful.
We both did our jobs well.
Now if only I can remember to practice this giving of myself in a pure and unattached way. A way that says, I am here for you, if you’d like to come closer.
A way that allows me to KNOW that chasing you or begging you or demanding of you to be a certain way is just unacceptable.
A way that tells me you are responsible for whom and what you accept from me.
A way that shows me to stay true to me and allow you to stay true to you and hope that in our separate trueness we can still share love, peace and harmony.
Thanks Olga, for these big lessons.
I will hold your smile in my heart forever.
May you be well.
May you be happy.
May you be peaceful and at ease.
May you be free.
Love and light,
Indrani
OBEY….
Such a small word….yet, so many hidden consequences.
I do not know if modern wedding vows still tell a woman to obey her husband…this always bothered me.
Who decided that “certain” groups should OBEY certain other groups?
Children should obey their parents, even when the parent says to NOT tell the truth about sexual abuse within the family?
Wives should obey husbands, even when they are being instructed to do demeaning and sub-human activities? Or being treated like a slave, not receiving any respect or shown any kindness?
When abuse is taking place within a family system, this concept of OBEY becomes extremely problematic.
Should we obey to the point of emotional death?
Should atrocious acts against our person be allowed to continue because our Holy texts admonish us to OBEY?
Should we continue to accept the truck loads of blame dumped on to us because standing up to the in-house bullies will be seen as treason and disobedience?
Is keeping the family secrets more important than treating ourselves with love and kindness?
These are questions we must all answer for ourselves.
I hope you chose to treat yourself with kindness and respect even if those with whom you live refuse to give you the time of day except when they yell, shout and berate you.
It takes great courage to look at your tear stained face in the mirror and say to yourself, “No more will I accept this treatment, these hateful words and this constant barrage upon my soul.”
May you be blessed with courage, vast and strong.
May you be blessed with compassion for yourself.
May you be filled with self empathy and self resilience.
May your heart be free of all past burdens.
Love and light,
Indrani
WORDS MATTER, CHOOSE YOURS CAREFULLY…
WORDS MATTER, CHOOSE YOURS CAREFULLY…
Click here to learn more about how psychological abuse can scar children for life: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Wellness/children-carry-invisible-scars-psychological-abuse/story?id=16872337#.UBfZJ477li4
Is school making your child crazy?
Is school making your child crazy?
“The purpose of school should be to prepare kids for the rest of their lives, but too often what kids need to be prepared for is surviving the school day itself.” Susan Cain, QUIET
For the parent of a child who is being bullied, the above quote must be especially poignant…that is, if you are lucky enough to be told that they are being bullied. This blog is not about bullying but about being SHY and being ashamed of being shy.
Dr. Brene Brown tells us that shame says “I am bad.”
If a child has learned to be ashamed of being shy and is cajoled or taunted to be more outgoing, this child may feel that being shy is so bad that their existence is useless.
I feel that many shy children feel invisible. They know they have the right answers, but are afraid to put their hands up and speak out loud in the classroom. They cannot get full marks on any report card because a grade is being given for “class participation”. Many want to participate and when they work one-on-one they can have exciting
conversations, but in a group they freeze.
Telling this child to be something other than what they really are will not make them change. As parents and educators we have to learn how to work with the introversion so that the child can feel pride about their ability to be reflective, and introspective. We have to show them that their minds works differently and beautifully and show them how to find ways to be a part of the group, but in a way that feels safe to them.
“The truth is that many schools are designed for extroverts,” says Susan Cain.
So what do we do as parents and advocates for our introverted kids?
“When encouraging shy children to speak…it helps to make the topic so compelling that they forget their inhibitions.”
As parents and educators we can take sincere interests in the activities of the introverted child and use the love of those activities to encourage them to talk.
During the summer months, while kids are out if school, the time is right to begin the project of speaking up and out in the safety of one’s home.
These skills are important, if only to be able to tell others to stop bullying them. Being able to speak up for ones emotional health is skill that we must teach our children. They are the future leaders.
In the May 21st, 2012 issue of Fortune Magazine, Doug Conant, the former Campbell Soup CEO gives some great advice.
He says:
1. “Don’t change who you are…people are not mind readers- you need to let them know if you are shy.”
2. “Say what’s on your mind…I’ve met so many leaders who realize that telling your colleagues something that is on your mind is so much easier than keeping it in.”
3. “Know who you work with…You might just find that you have introverts embedded within your organization who are natural-born leaders.”
4. “Find alone time…Introverts get more energy by having quiet time, compared with extroverts who find energy by being around people.”
This advice from Mr. Conant shows that introverts in the work force have a lot to contribute, and as parents/educators of these future leaders we owe it to them to prepare them for their whole lives…a life full of other people and challenges beyond those of childhood.
I hope you take up this project, it is well worth it.
Love and light,
Indrani
Gifts….
I received this beautiful gift in my inbox. Many thanks to my friend Vincenzia for sharing this bit of loveliness.
“There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings.” ~Hodding Carter, Jr.
Have you created an orphan?
Have you abandoned a child?
Have you abandoned a child who has wide-eyed wonder?
Have you abandoned a child that tugs at your sleeve while you are trying to work?
Have you abandoned a child who wants you to take them out to play?
Have you abandoned a child who needs warmth and security?
Have you abandoned a child who wants to show creativity through art, dance or song?
No? Take a look, not at the children around you, but at your inner child.
Do you allow yourself to look at the world without judgment, but instead with openness and wonder?
Do you listen to that inner child who is trying to get your attention?
Do you take time for your inner child to lead you away from your desk, your responsibilities and to just be carefree, even for a little while?
Do you help your inner child seek the warmth and security it needs?
Do you allow your inner child to skip around the room, sing in the shower, try a craft or make cookies?
If you answered no to any of the above, you may be adding to the orphans of the universe. You may not have abandoned an actual child but you have abandoned yourself.
Your inner child never grows up, it never has to.
There are so many unloved children in the world, don’t add to the list.
Love yourself and your inner child.
Once you do that you may find an abundance of love to offer others.
Kay Walten
IT’S ALL IN THE NOSE!
It’s all in the nose that makes a child with down-syndrome run towards you with open arms for a hug.
It’s all in the nose that makes children hide behind their mother’s skirt, and peek from behind it.
It’s all in the nose that brings warm, kindness and love to the abandoned HIV positive child.
It’s all in the nose that brings a smile to the parents as you share a balloon with their child who has cancer.
It’s all in the nose that brings a sigh of relief to the overworked nurse when we pick up a crying baby to hold.
It’s all in the nose that makes families waiting in the ER take a few easier breathes as they wait for a doctor to see their child.
It’s all in the nose that makes an elderly person get up and dance as if they were young again.
It’s all in the nose that gets that old person to crack a smile.
It’s all in the nose that takes the old lady from feeling lonely to feeling loved.
It’s all in the nose that makes a policeman directing traffic smile and wave.
It’s all in the nose that gets a toothless grin from a woman making tortillas on the curb.
It’s all in the nose that makes men blow kisses to the clown bus as they walk down the street.
It’s all in the nose that gives us clowns strength to see a once beautiful old woman playing with a stuffed toy.
It’s all in the nose that helps us hold back the tears as we see abandoned children in an orphanage.
It’s all in the nose that gave me the strength to watch a doctor siphon fluid from a baby’s lungs, while she was not breathing, and resuscitate her again.
It’s all in the nose that brings all of humanity just a bit closer.