Yearly Archives: 2012

Upping our JOY Q…Our joy quotient is woefully low!

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I once took a philosophy class in college and the teacher asked us to define happiness.

I remember saying that it was an illusion and that people who said they were happy were liars. I also said that if people can find a little happiness, it would be fleeting and can never last.

Fast forward 30 years and I have completely and irrevocably changed my mind. As a matter of fact, it feels more like I have healed my mind and in the process healed my spirit.

Over the past few years I have been steeping myself in the study of and the living of Joy. Last year, I even went as far as to do a virtual joy event called Unpasteurized Joy. It was a series of conversations with many different folk from the very famous, like Dr Patch Adams, to the absolutely non-famous, like yours truly. I asked every person to speak of joy and how their work contributes to joy in our world.

Focusing so intently on joy over that past few years has allowed me to stay focused on the good in my life, even as challenges continue to flow in and through, and I am able to keep negativity at bay.

Recently, I heard from a colleague of mine who had surgery and she told me that while she was in recovery she listened to all 26 joy recordings. She said that it really helped her. Thanks Catherine, for sharing this lovely bit of information. It warmed my heart.

My challenge to you is to keep upping your JOY Q by finding the joy all around and by speaking joy as often as you can.

What are some ways that you can increase your JOY Q?

1. Stay focused on the positive aspects of your own wonderful self.
Sign up at www.indranislight.org for a tool called Five minutes to
Happiness for a way to get to your finest values.

2. Take time each day for using your eyes to see the beauty in all those who you
meet. Look for something that you can admire in each person.

3. Find the courage to forgive someone. One of my dear friends found
her courage this weekend to forgive someone who really hurt her a few
years ago. The very next day, the woman she forgave gave her some
wonderful compliments on face book.

4. Write a letter to yourself and forgive yourself for any grievance
that you feel you have committed.

5. Spend a few moments in nature everyday to notice how much intricate beauty
surrounds us.

Up your JOY Q.
We must if we want to save our world.

Love and light,
Indrani

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE…why you should care.

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Why should you care? Why should anyone care about Domestic Violence?

Domestic Violence is insipid. If you have never heard this term, the definition of domestic violence is the inflicting of physical injury by one family or household member on another; also : a repeated or habitual pattern of such behavior .

Domestic violence is one of the most chronically under-reported crimes. Only approximately one-quarter of all physical assaults, one-fifth of all rapes, and one-half of all stalkings perpetuated against females by intimate partners are reported to the police.…from www.ncadv.org/files/
DomesticViolenceFactSheet(National).pdf

Why would such crimes be under-reported?

Have you ever been a victim of hateful and nasty behavior?

This could be happening in high school. Perhaps a boyfriend tells you to be a certain way and if you do not, he berates you and calls you names that made you feel worthless.

He tells you that no other man could love you. He calls you a slut or other unsavory names. He makes fun of you in front of his friends.

Did you tell anyone?

Did you report him to the school authorities?

Did you call the Teen Abuse hot line 1−800−799−SAFE (7233)?

You probably did nothing.

You may not even have recognized that you were being abused. You may even have convinced yourself that it was your fault.

You may have seen your own Mother abused at home and so you feel that “true love” must look like that.

Your own Mother may be making excuses for the man in her life, and you see that her abuse is much more horrific.

So you say nothing.

After all, you do not have it “that” bad.

Abuse is insipid and it is confusing. How can a person with whom you are having intimate relations treat you so horribly? How can the person you swear you love be so mean and hateful to you?

You try so hard to please him and nothing ever works.

You feel like you are always walking on egg shells.

His rage erupts for the smallest infraction, and you are afraid to take any action unless the action is sanctioned by the abuser.

These are but a few of the reasons why Domestic Violence is under-reported.

Women are confused and brain washed into thinking that all of it is their fault.

One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.1 An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.2 85% of domestic violence victims are women. Historically, females have been most often victimized by someone they knew. Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence. Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.… from http://www.americanbar.org/groups/domestic_violence/resources/statistics.html

These facts were taken from a PDF found when I googled Domestic Violence.

I am not making this up. Below are actual numbers taken from the same article that I found on Google.

The cost of intimate partner violence exceeds $5.8 billion each year, $4.1 billion of which is for direct medical and mental health services.

Victims of intimate partner violence lost almost 8 million days of paid work because of the violence perpetrated against them by current or former husbands, boyfriends and dates. This loss is the equivalent of more than 32,000 full-time jobs and almost 5.6 million days of household productivity as a result of violence.

There are 16,800 homicides and $2.2 million (medically treated) injuries due to intimate partner violence annually, which costs $37 billion.…from http://www.americanbar.org/groups/domestic_violence/resources/statistics.html

If you are not being abused, there is a VERY GOOD CHANCE that you know someone who is being abused.

 

Please keep your eyes and ears open. Please encourage those suffering to seek counsel and support. There are MANY support centers around the country and world. If you are the one suffering, please reach out here and I will direct you to some help in your area.

You can send an e mail to

info@indranislight.org with the subject line… A HEADS UP.

You can use a computer at the library or at a friend’s home.

This is NOT your fault. You have done NOTHING wrong.

You deserve to be loved and respected.

Please reach out either for your own self or for someone else.

My personal mantra is ONE ABUSED WOMAN IS ONE TOO MANY! Please help me in this endeavor to eradicate DV from the face of the earth. WE can do it if we band together.

Love and Light

Indrani

 

 

 

 

I forgive myself….

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I forgive myself for holding a grudge against you.

I forgive myself for allowing the past hurt to etch new wounds on old scars.

I have been holding on to a deep grudge for over 20 years. Yes, 20 years and I am quite ashamed to admit it. Even as I express to myself and all who would listen that I have changed, this grudge I will not let go of.

Let’s get it out there. Shall we?

20 plus years ago I was at a funeral and I approached someone with whom I had been feuding. We actually had been feuding together, and doing a great job. A jab here, a sarcastic comment there, a nasty look when we thought no one was paying attention, and so on. We were great adversaries.

At the funeral, I wanted to call it quits and I approached this person and said something to the effect of life being short and we never know when…blah, blah, blah.

I asked if we could drop the past and start over.

They said NO.

They said that I would have to prove myself and my intentions TO THEIR SATISFACTION.

Oh Really?

GAME ON!!!

From that day on, they were my sworn enemy. Every time I got a chance, I was distant and cold and unfriendly and I enjoyed the game. BTW, my opponent was quite formidable.

We would pretend to hug and kiss each other in front of others, but if we saw each other at the store, we would look straight thru each other.

People from far and wide could see the great divide. Neither of us cared!

Fast forward 20 plus years, and I am TIRED OF THE GAME!

If I die tomorrow, I do NOT want to take this well played game to my grave.

I do not want the rules of this game etched onto my heart any more.

What once gave me great joy and guilty pleasure now makes me sad and makes me feel less than human.

YOU WIN… I GIVE UP.

YOU MAY PLAY ALONE.

I AM DONE.

I HAVE NO MORE ENERGY TO INVEST IN HATING/DISLIKING OR MALIGNING YOU.

There, I’ve said it.

It feels good not to have to dig for the hurtful memories and to relay to people the how and whys I am still at war.

I am putting down my weapons.

I will still keep on my armor, especially over my heart, but I will no longer throw offensive or defensive moves.

I will move out of the way of jabs and insults.

I may even say something like, “I am tired of this exhausting game so you win”

 

Now how do I move forward?

I must find the courage to forget all the history. I must find the courage to see God in that person.

I must focus on that person’s good qualities, the ones I admire.

As I focus on their strengths, I will heal myself of all the rancor of the past and hopefully expel the pent up toxicity and enable my heart to be free of past pain.

If I am truthful, they have not been on my radar for quite a while, and it’s only when I am going to be in their presence that my claws want to come out.

So, I will keep my claws nicely manicured and polished and use them as a decorative feature not a hidden weapon.

 

I forgive me.

Such a small sentence.

Such a powerful sentiment.

Congrats to me, I am a courageous being.

 

You all know the lesson here.

Will you step into the courageous act of forgiving yourself for something/s you have done?

Good luck, it may take a while, but it’s worth the journey.

 

Love and light

Indrani

Pure love can take a licking….

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Pure love can take a licking but keeps on ticking.
But only PURE LOVE of one’s OWN SELF.

In other words PURE LOVE is the only true protection. Pure love will and can save us from the hurtful words of others.

If I find myself in a situation where people are berating me and want nothing more than for me to feel bad, remembering that I love myself is the ONLY protection I need. How does this work? I have the ability to hear truth VS lies.

A few years ago, I was accused by a very close family member of being,
and I quote, “a lousy family member, someone who cannot put family
first”.
I heard the words and I quietly said,
“I do not know who you are talking about, because that is not me”.
I then walked away because I was NOT about to defend myself against
false statements. That’s the other thing that pure self love will do for you. It will
save you from self defense when someone is on the offense.

Here’s the way I see it….
They are on the offense for reasons only they know.
They have some kind of the game in mind and I do not know what the
game is or when it will end.
I have not agreed to play.
Therefore no defense is needed.
Just walk away.

Here’s the trick though.
Can I walk away without being angry?
I must work hard to not accept the other person’s anger.
Can I stand in my own self love and not judge the other?

Pure self love will give me the strength to show the world how sweetly
I treat myself and how I expect to be treated by others.
This is something only I can do for myself.
It is something only you can do for yourself.

Pure self love…now there’s a platform on which to stand and
shout: Look out world, I love me, so I can love you!

I always wanted a cape…

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No, I never wanted a cape of wool, cashmere, or mink.
I want a cape that shimmers in the face of wrong doing.
I want a cape that shines in the instance of injustice.
I want cape colored bright in a dark world of harm.
I want a super hero’s cape!

Instead?

I got a nose.

Donned with the red nose of a clown, I recently went to Guatemala to visit children and adults who were in hospitals and institutions.
A red nose is hardly something that gives a person super powers by any means.

But that red nose gave me:
-The power to look beyond the grim, sad cinder block buildings that housed people who lived beyond the fringe of society and poverty.
-The power to face my own fears of reaching out and touching and loving those suffering people who needed love.
-The power to laugh, dance and be silly in dismal conditions to raise up a smile in a person that seemed impossible to reach as they were trapped in their ill mind.
-The power to put my judgments, preconceived notions and ignorance aside to be genuine and to look at others with love.

I want to challenge you to be someone’s super hero. No, I don’t want you to travel to far and distant places or leap tall buildings in a single bound.

What can you use as your cape to give you the power to drop your fears and judgments and to reach out to people who could use love, understanding and compassion in your life?

Kay Walten

When I say NO… Do you hear MAYBE?

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A case study in Nonviolent communication.

I just got a call from a charity for Breast Cancer Research asking for
a little something for underprivileged women.
This is how it began:
Me …Hello
Them…Is the lady of the house there?
Me…Who’s calling?

Note that I did not say… Oh yes, I am the lady of the house…

Them… This is so and so and we serve women who cannot…..

Me… I support breast cancer research and will not be able to support
your organization.

Them…Please do not draw the line, these women cannot pay their rent….etc

Now I am pissed, she did not hear my NO.
But then I think of the book Nonviolent Communication that I have
been devouring and I think, oh what a great time to use it here.

So I quickly do:
O
F
N
R

O- observe what is happening.

F- feel my feelings… I knew that I was feeling irritated and I
started down a road of “if she only knew how much I donate”… Then I stopped
myself.

N- What are my needs and what are her needs? She needs me to give her
money and I need to be true to my established charity budget and not go over
that amount.

R- What request am I going to make based on MY needs?

So let’s return to the conversation

Them…Please don’t draw the line….
Me…Amanda, I support Breast Cancer research and I am NOT going to
give anything more at this moment.

My voice was clear and precise and very purposeful.
She heard it and responded.

Them… Oh, thanks for supporting Breast Cancer.
Me… You are welcome.

Here’s what I did:
I knew my NO.
I knew why I was saying NO.
I did not let myself get caught up in the story of her population, not
out of not caring for them but out of a very caring place for me and
where I put my charity dollars. I really believe that I am doing what
I can do and I will do more when I decide it is time to do more.

If you go back up to the top of the post you will see many little
things that could have derailed me…
-Request for a little something
-The story of who needs the help
-Her telling me that I have drawn a line

NONE of those things matter when you are standing on solid ground.
This makes me sound like a right winger. I am neither a left winger
nor a right winger. I am simply following the plan that I set out at
the beginning of the year before the charities had a chance to get to
my emotions.

Emotions have a big role in what we give and who we give to BUT giving
has to support the bigger picture and must come from the heart.

This lesson is especially true for your energy. Money is easier to
find than energy.

A dear friend, Gretchen Pisano (www.soundingboardink.com) taught me
this past week that we all have units of energy and we must manage our
energy, not just our time and I am adding not just our other resources.

When people make requests of you that involve energy expenditures, you
have to use:

O… Observe what is happening without evaluating… You will know if
you are evaluating if words like should and must pop into your
mind/conversation.

Here are some examples of observations and evaluations from Nonviolent Communication by Rosenberg
1. John was angry with me yesterday for no reason.
2. My father is a good man
3. Pam was first in line every day this week.
What was an observation VS evaluation here?

F…knowing what we are feeling and expressing what we are feeling.
I realized rather quickly after she said ” drawing a line” that I was
getting irritated, and I could have spoken instead to “how dare you
tell me I am drawing a line blah, blah, blah” but I just FELT the
feelings and then asked myself what I wanted for me…what is my
request of me, not of her? I could wish that no one hits me up for
money anymore, but I can only be in charge of what I will do when it
does happen.

Here are examples from Rosenberg about statements of feelings
1. I feel like hitting you.
2. I feel good about what you did for me.
3. You’re disgusting.
What is a feeling VS a non-feeling here?

N…knowing what you need is taking responsibility for your feelings.
In my case with Amanda, I was irritated because I had an unmet need
for HER to know that I am generous and that I do not draw lines around
charity giving. I am very purposeful and give quite freely. In this
case, Amanda’s job was to get my money. My job was not to keep it from
her but for ME to KNOW what I was willing to do and not do. I met my
need for acknowledgement of generosity by telling myself that I was
generous and by communicating it to her very purposefully.

Here are some examples of needs from Rosenberg… Remember a need is
taking responsibility for YOUR feelings.
1. I feel frustrated when you come late.
2. I feel disappointed that you said you would do it and you did not.
3. I feel scared when you raise your voice.
Which of the above statements takes responsibility for their own feelings?

R…request of others in order to enrich life for us…Rosenberg
In this case vague language will not help clarify the situation… E.g.
you know Amanda, I kinda give a lot and I feel so bad and I don’t know
what to do because…
This language does not serve me. Being clear and requesting what I
want is called for here. I could have said “I do not want you to ask me for a donation”, but I chose to focus on saying what I do and
saying what I was not going to do.
I also did not use a negative as in “I won’t give to you” I used a
positive as in “I give generously already”.

Here are some examples of requesting statements that are very clear
and not so clear.
1. I want you to understand me.
2. I want you to stop drinking.
3. I would like you to drive at or below the speed limit.
Which statements are clear VS vague?

This way of communicating is not easy, as we have been taught to
use language to onshore what we truly feel. This way we won’t feel
vulnerable.
A brilliant woman, Brene Brown tells us that vulnerability is the key to
being who we are and getting what we want from life.
Hear her Vulnerability TED talk here.

I also recommend that you read
Nonviolent Communication.

If you are having judgments of whether I should have given in to the
charity that is a whole other conversation called a moralistic
judgment. You can have a VALUE of charity giving, but when you start
judging others on HOW much and how often they SHOULD give, then we are
getting on our moral high horse.

Love and light
Indrani

Have you created an orphan?

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Have you abandoned a child?
Have you abandoned a child who has wide-eyed wonder?
Have you abandoned a child that tugs at your sleeve while you are trying to work?
Have you abandoned a child who wants you to take them out to play?
Have you abandoned a child who needs warmth and security?
Have you abandoned a child who wants to show creativity through art, dance or song?

No?  Take a look, not at the children around you, but at your inner child.

Do you allow yourself to look at the world without judgment, but instead with openness and wonder?
Do you listen to that inner child who is trying to get your attention?
Do you take time for your inner child to lead you away from your desk, your responsibilities and to just be carefree, even for a little while?
Do you help your inner child seek the warmth and security it needs?
Do you allow your inner child to skip around the room, sing in the shower, try a craft or make cookies?

If you answered no to any of the above, you may be adding to the orphans of the universe.  You may not have abandoned an actual child but you have abandoned yourself.

Your inner child never grows up, it never has to.

There are so many unloved children in the world, don’t add to the list.
Love yourself and your inner child.

Once you do that you may find an abundance of love to offer others.

Kay Walten

To laugh, or not to laugh? That is the question…

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I just got home from the MBI Summit (Martha Beck Coach Conference)
and I am ready to REST.

BUT before I rest I must tell you something really funny.

The first morning of the Summit started off with a delicious welcome by Jessica Steward, Alexis Robin and Gretchen Pisano. They were organized, energized and actualized ready to lead some 320 plus coaches on a three day adventure. We would learn to write better blogs or books, grow our businesses in new and amazing ways, listen to Martha’s wisdom and buy sumptuous market place products made by our compadres as well as loads of other stuff!
We were ready!

BUT first we would LAUGH… At least that was the hope.

Yours truly got the head nod from Jessica and I let my biggest and
boldest belly laugh burst forth from my throat. I even surprised
myself as to how loud my laugh sounded.
I realized that people did not immediately understand what was
happening so I leapt upon my chair and started waving my hands wildly
trying to encourage my fellow coaches to rip the roof off with the
loudest laughter we could muster.
Some took the hint and I began to hear the laughing all around me.
I was really surprised however that it was not louder. We had about
320 mouths in that room that had to be hushed just a few minutes prior
and now some were being… SHY?

The laughter soon died down and we got around to the more serious business.

Then the MOST curious thing started to happen.
People started coming up to me and offering their thoughts on the
whole laughter thing.

Here are a few of the offerings:

You made me jump up and laugh, thanks.

Seeing you standing on the chair laughing was too funny.

Was that laughter yoga?

Are you certified in laughter yoga?

Why didn’t we know that we were supposed to laugh?…. Wait what???

Why didn’t you put many people around the room to show people how to do it?

Some of these offerings were easy to understand, some required a
simple response like, “no I am not laughter yoga certified, and I was just laughing not
doing laughter yoga”.

Others were really confusing, and that too from a group of coaches who
are trained to question the thoughts.

How far have we come from doing what is natural?
If the room was on fire would you have to be told to RUN?
If you we suddenly cold because of the air conditioner, would you need
permission to put on a sweater?
If you were thirsty do you need permission to take a sip of water?

I am betting the answer is NO to all of the above.

Some people were waiting for a cue, or a specific leader, or an
instruction that may sound like “laugh now”.

I remain amused and bemused by the variety of responses to my laughter outburst.
I can take heart in one thing however, no one told me that my voice
hurt their ears or to shut up, as has happened on some occasions.
So for that I am grateful.
I am also grateful that I had the courage to look silly and sound
silly and allowed others to find their “silly” because I tell you
what, there is much too much “unsilly”
going around.

So laugh your butts off and here is a short recording of laughter to
get you started.

Laughter IS the best medicine!

Keep laughing, just for the health of it. It really is the best
medicine, but only if you really want to be healed.

Love, light and LAUGHTER,
Indrani

IT’S ALL IN THE NOSE!

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It’s all in the nose that makes a child with down-syndrome run towards you with open arms for a hug.
It’s all in the nose that makes children hide behind their mother’s skirt, and peek from behind it.
It’s all in the nose that brings warm, kindness and love to the abandoned HIV positive child.

It’s all in the nose that brings a smile to the parents as you share a balloon with their child who has cancer.
It’s all in the nose that brings a sigh of relief to the overworked nurse when we pick up a crying baby to hold.
It’s all in the nose that makes families waiting in the ER take a few easier breathes as they wait for a doctor to see their child.

It’s all in the nose that makes an elderly person get up and dance as if they were young again.
It’s all in the nose that gets that old person to crack a smile.
It’s all in the nose that takes the old lady from feeling lonely to feeling loved.

It’s all in the nose that makes a policeman directing traffic smile and wave.
It’s all in the nose that gets a toothless grin from a woman making tortillas on the curb.
It’s all in the nose that makes men blow kisses to the clown bus as they walk down the street.

It’s all in the nose that gives us clowns strength to see a once beautiful old woman playing with a stuffed toy.
It’s all in the nose that helps us hold back the tears as we see abandoned children in an orphanage.
It’s all in the nose that gave me the strength to watch a doctor siphon fluid from a baby’s lungs, while she was not breathing, and resuscitate her again.

It’s all in the nose that brings all of humanity just a bit closer.

 

Daring to question the regular-ness of life…

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When time is non linear…it is super sweet.
I just spent 8 days with 25 strangers.
After 8 days a normal person would not expect to know more than a few
of these people and, not very well.
I have known people for far longer than 8 days and still feel like I do not know them at all. I have limited and shallow conversations with them and am relieved when we part. I am sure they feel much the same. It is funny how we humans can hide behind social masks and cultural “SHOULD” masks that make it easy to remain invisible. Marshall B. Rosenberg says that “should” is a violent word. I agree. All of the “shoulding” I have done on myself and on others has only brought me pain and distance and has contributed to my being invisible.

Staying invisible to most of the world makes it safe for me. Often
times when I take risks and show my vulnerabilities to those I think I
can trust leaves me really regretting the risk I took.
Something as simple as needing to tell someone that I am sad and need
to cry can, and often does, bring out the fear in them that makes them
strike back with a “oh for God’s sake, get over it. Others have it so much worse”.

But on this clown trip to Guatemala I took risks with strangers. I
took risks with being vulnerable. I told strangers that I loved them
and I really meant it. They accepted it without hesitation.
I cried within the safety of the circle and they accepted it without
judgment. How freeing that felt to be held in safety and non judgment.
Instead of words during an intense hour of sharing, I chose to walk
around the circle and share energy by looking into their eyes as I
send good wishes of peace and love. Everyone chose to look back at my
soul and accept my love.

How can this happen in so short a time?
Why can we not have safety and acceptance from those closest and dearest to us?
What are we so afraid of?

I am afraid that I will be judged and labeled.
I have been labeled in the past as “too emotional” which only meant that I wore my heart on my sleeve and that I dared to show my vulnerabilities.
So now, my heart remains hidden and I play the social game and everyone seems to be so much happier for it.

But am I?
Am I happier to be locked away and closed off for fear of being labeled?

Questions, too many to list.
Answers, too few at this moment.

I have learned to be happy with questions because they make me curious about
the plethora of responses waiting in my heart.

I invite you to question all the facets of your life and be quiet in
the safety of the questions.
Do not grasp for answers. They are there and they will find you.
Your job is to keep questioning.
Be grateful that YOU CAN dare to question your life and world.
Questions are the essence of all new discoveries.
Questions belong to those of us who are awake.
Awaken and question.
Dream and question.
Live your life and watch the answers unfold right in front of your eyes.

Love and light,
Indrani