Tag Archives: forgiveness

A short fuse is a lousy excuse for bad behavior…Take immediate action to lengthen the fuse!


short fuseA short while back, I was in a very nice taxi going from NJ to NY. The conversation turned as it often does to “So what do you do ma’am?”

Always at the ready to spread the word about stopping Gender Violence, I said what my passion is and then told some stories from the U.S., India and Trinidad.

He began asking lots of questions and then told me a story of a family member who has been abused for 10 years and her 8 year old daughter who has also been suffering under this oppressive regime.

I gave him my card to give to the family member and then said that it is SHE who must want to be guided out of that situation and into a healthier one.

Then, for some unknown reason, I began to talk about men who MUST have things their own way. I told some more true stories, then said:

“And then they come home to find one towel out of place and start screaming at their wives and children.”

He got very silent. Then he said, “Ma’am you could be talking about me.”

“Really?” I replied, “Tell me what you mean.”

I already knew what he meant, but I needed him to speak out loud the bad behavior that he has been exhibiting.

As he spoke it came pouring out of him, almost as though he had just been waiting for someone to confess to.

We went back and forth for a while and then he said this:

“You know ma’am, she is not even my culture. She is better than women in my culture. She learned how to cook all my special food and we have twin 2 year olds and a 2 month old. She is so busy and tired and I don’t know why I shout.”

“I have too much stress and I have a short fuse.”

A short fuse! Such a simple phrase, a phrase that people use to give themselves permission to behave very badly.

I used to have a short fuse. I used to be THAT person who yelled and shouted at a moments notice.

I remember how scared my kids would be when ” the short fuse monster” would come out.

I understand about short fuses.

Guess what?

There is a cure!

Short fuses can grow into VERY long, even ULTRA long fuses.


You MUST be SICK of the way you are acting.

No one can get you to grow your fuse, only you can do this for yourself.


Again, glad you asked.

You must ask for forgiveness from the people over whom you explode. You must be sincere.

You must be able to hear them tell you how much you have hurt them, AND you are NOT allowed to scream at them for their feelings, or blame them for any of your shortcomings.

You MUST then forgive your own self. Forgive the parts of you that are NOT in keeping with the elegant individual you wish to be.

You must continue these two things everyday for the rest of your life: apologize to others and forgive yourself AND you must NOT give yourself permission to scream at another human being.

This is what I told that wonderful young man. “When you feel like screaming say I feel like screaming at you. I do not know why I want to scream. I will go for a walk around the block and I will come back.”

This really can work, but you must elicit the help of the other person in trying this simple behavior change technique.

Go ahead, grow a longer fuse. Do it for your own mental, emotional and physical health and do it for the loved ones in your life.

It is an exercise worth doing.

It is worth the life energy you will invest.

Grow a longer fuse, because a short fuse is a lousy excuse to be a nasty human being.


Love and light,


Have I told you lately that I love you?

how-to-forgive via marcandangel.comWhen my kids were quite small, I was a stay home mother and I was consumed with the everyday things that stay home mothers are consumed with.
Some of them were important, like food in the pantry and on the table having clean clothing for school. Other things were NOT at all important, like whether or not a child was smiling in a family photo.
I have an awful memory of myself making one of my children feel really bad for not smiling in the family photo.
I was so HELL bent of having this “perfect” moment, that I could not find the maturity to ask a simple question like, “Honey, what’s the matter? Are you feeling ok?” or to just let the photographer do their thing and realize that the photo was just a moment in a long string of moments.

As I remember this, I feel so sick about my own actions that I can barely forgive myself.
But forgiveness of self is exactly what I need to do here.
I did the best I could. I really did. We all do the best we can.
As Oprah says, “When we know better, we do better.”
I know better and I do better these days.

If you can think of something you could have done better and you have a chance to apologize, do it.
Do better next time.
Begin a conversation with someone who you have inadvertently hurt and ask for forgiveness.
Forgive yourself.
Tell them how much you care.
It is very cliché, but authentic remorse really does clear up a lot of fog.
Love really does find a way.


Love and light,

I forgive myself….

I forgive myself for holding a grudge against you.

I forgive myself for allowing the past hurt to etch new wounds on old scars.

I have been holding on to a deep grudge for over 20 years. Yes, 20 years and I am quite ashamed to admit it. Even as I express to myself and all who would listen that I have changed, this grudge I will not let go of.

Let’s get it out there. Shall we?

20 plus years ago I was at a funeral and I approached someone with whom I had been feuding. We actually had been feuding together, and doing a great job. A jab here, a sarcastic comment there, a nasty look when we thought no one was paying attention, and so on. We were great adversaries.

At the funeral, I wanted to call it quits and I approached this person and said something to the effect of life being short and we never know when…blah, blah, blah.

I asked if we could drop the past and start over.

They said NO.

They said that I would have to prove myself and my intentions TO THEIR SATISFACTION.

Oh Really?


From that day on, they were my sworn enemy. Every time I got a chance, I was distant and cold and unfriendly and I enjoyed the game. BTW, my opponent was quite formidable.

We would pretend to hug and kiss each other in front of others, but if we saw each other at the store, we would look straight thru each other.

People from far and wide could see the great divide. Neither of us cared!

Fast forward 20 plus years, and I am TIRED OF THE GAME!

If I die tomorrow, I do NOT want to take this well played game to my grave.

I do not want the rules of this game etched onto my heart any more.

What once gave me great joy and guilty pleasure now makes me sad and makes me feel less than human.





There, I’ve said it.

It feels good not to have to dig for the hurtful memories and to relay to people the how and whys I am still at war.

I am putting down my weapons.

I will still keep on my armor, especially over my heart, but I will no longer throw offensive or defensive moves.

I will move out of the way of jabs and insults.

I may even say something like, “I am tired of this exhausting game so you win”


Now how do I move forward?

I must find the courage to forget all the history. I must find the courage to see God in that person.

I must focus on that person’s good qualities, the ones I admire.

As I focus on their strengths, I will heal myself of all the rancor of the past and hopefully expel the pent up toxicity and enable my heart to be free of past pain.

If I am truthful, they have not been on my radar for quite a while, and it’s only when I am going to be in their presence that my claws want to come out.

So, I will keep my claws nicely manicured and polished and use them as a decorative feature not a hidden weapon.


I forgive me.

Such a small sentence.

Such a powerful sentiment.

Congrats to me, I am a courageous being.


You all know the lesson here.

Will you step into the courageous act of forgiving yourself for something/s you have done?

Good luck, it may take a while, but it’s worth the journey.


Love and light