Yearly Archives: 2012

Is it cultural or just bad manners?

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A few weekends ago, I was lucky enough to spend some time with an amazing
group of people that I really like. We do not get together very often so this time was quite precious.

During one of our days together a group had gathered in the kitchen. We discussed topics from real estate to ice-cream and everything in-between. People were listening to each other and taking turns speaking. The conversation was flowing quite well. Then someone else walked into the room and decided to ask one of the group members a question.

This is how she did it:
She stood a good 3 feet away from the group and YELLED as loud as she could to get the other persons attention. He looked up having heard her voice and started conversing with her as loud as he could. He had to shout (or so he thought) because the original conversation was still happening. The woman then walked closer to the table and the new conversation was carried on over the existing one.

This dynamic was so amazing.
I thought it rude and distasteful.
Was it?
Could it be that this is how these people communicate?

I waited for her to leave and the group settled back into our chat.
A few minutes later this same woman approached someone else who was talking directly to me and with her loud voice asked him a question and he immediately turned to answer her.
Now I am upset.
I say in MY LOUDEST voice…”SO DOES THIS MEAN YOU ARE FINISHED TALKING TO ME?”
He turns to me and says “Oh, no!”
She seems shocked that I had to interrupt her. The woman then walked away.

Again after a few minutes, this same woman wanted to speak to another member of the group. This time she approached and whispered in the person’s ear.
She got it!
She stopped interrupting the entire room with her loud voice. She stopped hijacking an ongoing conversation because she thought her needs were more important.

All of the above happened without anyone else being mindful. I am sure that if I had asked someone what they thought, they would have said, “Well, that’s just her”.
Does it make it okay to disregard the activities that are already happening?
I do not have the answers to these questions.
I do know, however, that my time is as important as hers and my conversations as scintillating so I will not accept constant interruptions.
That’s just me.
If you find yourself in this situation, do you take charge?
Is it easier to just be quiet?
Is it culture or bad manners?
Would it be okay to interrupt people anywhere or is it situational?

We spend our whole lives engaged in some form of communication. I am at a stage where I want my encounters to be meaningful. I have no time for idle chatter or people who jump in and hijack my moments of encounter. I will try to not be rude but I will say something.

When we choose to spend time with people, let’s really BE with them. Let’s really listen to what they have to say. Let our body language say to the world that something special is happening and that others should wait their turn or ask permission to interrupt.

I am going to go out on a limb here and say if as women we do not speak up in the home to get our points heard, how will we be able to speak up in the board room?

There is ample research that women’s voices are overlooked in the board room and others get credit for ideas that were not theirs.
The time to practice having your voice heard is at the kitchen table.
The loudest mouth in the room is not necessarily the smartest.

So speak up, we need your words and your wisdom.

Love and light,
Indrani

The SWEET SPOT….

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I have just devoured Susan Cain’s book QUIET. I really hesitated before I ordered the book and then took a few hours before I cracked it open. I say a few hours because I am a voracious reader and when a book arrives it feels like Christmas morning and I must take an immediate peek.

I hesitated because I am an extrovert and I really wondered what I could get from a book called QUIET or if it would even be enticing to me.

I LOVED it. Susan Cain weaves research, true stories and her personal experiences together in such a way to make me not able to put the book down. There were many parts of it that stood out, and one of those is when she discusses “Sweet Spots”.

“You can organize your life in terms of what personality psychologists call ‘optimal levels of arousal’ and what I call ‘sweet spots’, and by doing so, feel more energetic and alive than before.” Susan Cain

Huh?
What does this really mean?
Do I really have the ability to have a life that feels good, does good and is good for me?

Is this not being selfish?
Should I not just do what is expected of me and shut up?
Doing what is good for me may be considered rocking the boat.
We are born into families that we do not choose.
We are sent to schools that we do not choose.
We have teachers and professors, who hold our academic lives in their hands, and we often would not choose them for ourselves.
We have extended family members who make us crazy and we did not choose them.

“There’s a host of research that introverts are more sensitive than extroverts to various kinds of stimulation, from coffee to a loud bang to a dull roar of a networking event- and that introverts and extroverts often need very different levels of stimulation to function at their best.” Susan Cain, page 124

Does this mean that we can decide what stimulation levels are good for us and choose career paths accordingly?
Does anyone teach us this in high school? Do we know that when we are picking majors for our college education?
We all know people who went into Law or Medicine only to hate the profession.
However, they find themselves in debt so they stick with it to pay the bills.
Little by little a piece of them dies. They have forgotten that they arrived there by choices and choices can get them out.
Very often, the thought of making different choices for our lives leaves us feeling paralyzed and unable to even think, let alone act.

Imagine if we accepted that we all had sweet spots and we are all capable of diving head first into work/ activities that activate these sweet spots.

Allow me to use myself as an example.
I am a coach.
I am a really good coach.
I hate to sell…I feel like hiding when I try to “sell” coaching packages.
I can, however, talk to every woman’s shelter and every support group in this whole world about my foundation, Indranis Light. I can do this because I am
absolutely sure that my life coaching classes are a crucial piece of the puzzle within the “abuse victim mindset”.

This is my sweet spot. I never tire of telling anyone who is willing to listen how important it is for us as a community to help women find their voices and step into their power.
I feel personally responsible to the younger generation of girls to teach them (through their moms) how to protect themselves from abusers.
I will suffer any amount of personal affronts in the pursuit of my goals for the foundation.

“Understanding your sweet spot can increase your satisfaction in every arena of your life,” this bit of wisdom from Susan Cain should be the ground on which we stand to investigate if we are living in our sweet spot.

Martha Beck also teaches us about living and working where our “essential” selves are happiest. Some of my friends have made incredible switches from one profession to another, like Dr. Sarah Seidelmann who left medicine to become a life coach and took a big pay cut but increased her happiness ten-fold. She even went with me to Gesundheit Institute last year to speak to would be medical students about her choices and her new life.

Sweet spots may not be easy to find and when discovered even harder to follow.
When we are in the sweet spot we are in “flow” according to Mihaly Csikszenthmihaly (chic- SENT-me-high).

I love the visual of being in flow. It makes me think of not fighting the currents or not arguing with people who do not understand me. It makes me feel safe to take a chance or to stretch a little because being in flow is safe and I am at optimum performance.

Susan Cain tells us that “people who are aware of their sweet spots have the power to leave jobs that exhaust them and start new and satisfying businesses. They can hunt for homes based on the temperaments of their family members – with cozy window seats and other nooks and crannies for introverts and open living-dining spaces for extroverts.”

Imagine a world where our temperaments were free to be 100% engaged….a world where we did not have to feel shame about being “shy” or “a loud mouth”.

The first step on this path is to begin to notice yourself: at work, at social events, within the family, at church.
Where do you sit?
With whom do you feel comfortable?
Do you feel like running and hiding from wherever you are?
Do you long to be a part of a different group?

Make good observations about yourself. Put yourself under a microscope and take good field notes.
Then begin to make small changes.
Perhaps sitting in a corner booth in a restaurant is more comfortable that sitting in the middle where everyone can see you.
Perhaps your extended family members are all extroverts and you are an introvert and it exhausts you to be around them. In this case it would be a good idea to increase your quiet time. Take more time for your own self, time to gather strength to be used later while with the family.
Perhaps it is the opposite. You might be outgoing and feel bored with your family. So go tire yourself out, get your fill then you can be in a restful space instead of wanting to scream from boredom.

It really is worth the time to get to know YOU. It is then that you can begin to manage your energy and feel good about the YOU that it is the world.
Love and light,
Indrani

Nice to meet you…

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I recently met a person who seemed intelligent, respectable and personable. This person also seemed to cherish their
family and love life. I thought to myself, hmmm….I could be friends with this person.

But then someone gave me an unsolicited opinion that the person I met was a liar, bad news, and would bring me down. They insisted that I would regret being friends with this person. No specifics in why, it was said cut and dry…just like that. These judgments were offered up to protect me.

Immediately I was filled with self doubt.
Did I misjudge this new person?
Had I been duped?
Had I made a bad judgment in character?
Do I trust too easily?

I felt bad about myself.

These thoughts have been percolating for a few days now. After much thought, I realize that I have a great gift.  I can see the best in people from the start.

If I was to meet you on the street today I would look at you warmly, smile and engage with you.
I do not weigh heavily on other peoples experiences with you.
What matters is how you interact with me.
And if your interactions with me are negative then I may choose not to be around you.

In my world I do not want to immediately look at your face when we meet on the street and distrust you.
You have given me no reason to be on guard.
You are not perfect, nor am I.
You may have hurt others or made mistakes in life, and so have I.

When we first meet we have a clean slate with each other.
It is up to us what we write on that slate and how we interact together.

Hi, my name is Kay.  It is nice to meet you.

Re-purposing behaviors…I want that!

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A couple of months ago I spoke with writer Paul Carr about his journey to quit drinking. I know that he has created some controversy and this post is not taking sides on those issues.

This post is about him being astute enough to treat himself to something expensive JUST beyond his normal sober reach. He mentioned during our chat that he bought a lovely pen that was just shy of $1,000.00. He said that some people were upset that he wasted money on something like that.

His take was that he had wasted $1,000.00 on many bar bills and had nothing to show for it at the end of the splurge except a nasty hangover.

I agree with him. I agree that we spend money on things that we think will make us hurt less, fear less or some other magical thinking.

When we continue behaviors that “we have always done” without stopping to wonder if those behaviors still serve us, we are being quite robotic. We are unthinking. Perhaps not thinking allows us to pretend that “all is well”. Often, though, not thinking just keeps us trapped in the same old hurts, pain, and challenges.

A few years ago I met a cabbie in Philly who told me that she longed to go to Jamaica on holiday. I asked why she had not gone and she said that she had too many bills, including rent on a storage unit she had for quite a few years. I asked her what she was storing and she said furniture for her kids and her books.

I asked her if the kids wanted the furniture and she said that she did not know. I calculated how much rent she had paid over the course of the rental agreement and she almost choked. Suffice to say it was many trips to Jamaica.

I felt her pain.

While back in Philly a few months later, I called her to pick me up. I asked her about the storage unit and if she had gone to see it. She said she had and that the furniture had been eaten by termites and her books were ruined with moisture. I felt so bad for her.

I gave her a little tidbit of coaching. I told her to pretend she still had the unit and to create a special Jamaica bank account and to pay into it each month what she was paying for the rent on the storage unit. I explained that she already knew how to budget her monthly income for the rent, so she could use that knowledge to make her dream vacation come true.

There is a lesson to be learned here.

What behavior can you re-purpose for your happiness and joy, and not just do it mindlessly as you have been doing?

 

Love & light,

Indrani

Why can’t you read my mind?

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When my kids were very young I told them
that I could read their minds. That got them to “own up” pretty quickly to who had done what. That lasted all of 3 days. I must admit…they were pretty smart for their age.

One thing that was worse however was that I expected other people to read my mind and to automatically know what I expected and what made me happy. I mean, if I actually had to ASK for what I wanted, then what was the good of it? I not only expected it, I was UNAWARE that I expected it. Further, I had NO idea what I really wanted! So even if someone did something awesome, I could not fully appreciate it.

The first inclination I had that something was really skewed with my thinking was when a therapist asked me “what I wanted from life”.
What?
What kind of stupid question was that?
“I want what everyone wants!” was my sarcastic quip.
“Really?” he replied. “What does everyone want?”
“People want to be happy! I want to be happy!”
He, in his infinite patience replied, “So what would make you happy?”

Then I was stumped.

I DID NOT know the answer to that question.

My brain felt like it was on the spin cycle and no one was going to press the done button.

That was the beginning of my quest for what would make me happy.

I tried to continue to please everyone, but with GUSTO. I mean if I really LOST myself in making others happy…then surely I would be happy?

It did not work.
Some of those people that I was DYING to please STILL were not happy.
They wanted more and more and still more.
I tried to find the “more” and I became LESS. I had less energy for my dreams, less energy for my self-care and less connections to the people I cared about. In trying to please the FEW, I neglected myself and everything else that was important to me.

The term “DYING to please” was very real to me. I put anything healthy for myself on the back burner. Hell, it was NOT even on the stove top. It was stored away with all the junk that I no longer needed.

I had to learn to put myself back on the stove, then FIRST on my list.
I had to learn to say out loud what it was that I wanted and not expect people to read my mind.
I had to learn to set very clear boundaries around what I would and would not do.
I had to learn about what made me happy.

I saw everything as a lesson. Some lessons I loved and others I hated.
I did less and less of what I hated and more of what I loved.

This is how I learned to speak my truth and how to stop expecting others to read my mind.
Thinking back now, I can’t believe that I ever wanted someone to be able to read my mind.  All my secrets would be fair game and that is a scary thought.

Love and light,

Indrani

Who’s Minding Your LIFE?

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Yesterday I had the chance to “fix” a problem for someone.
This person called me and they were sad and crying. I am a good fixer.
I am a really good fixer.
Then, I took a few moments to ponder if this was something that I really wanted to deal with.

I decided to not do it.
Why would I not do it?
The answer is so very simple.

I did not have the emotional bandwidth.
I could not sustain what needed to be done for them with everything that needed to be done for me.

I was already experiencing stress just from hearing the request and I knew if I did not pay attention to what was happening with me internally, I would make decisions that I would regret.

This skill did not come easily. I have been NOT paying attention to my own self for the majority of my life. Whenever I met someone who was able to decline “fixing” others I was amazed. I felt like I would never get to the point where I would be able to stand firm in a decision that was good for me.
But I was wrong.

The book that saved me from a fate of “chronic people pleasing” is The Power of a Positive NO by William Ury. I encourage you all to read this book. Inhale it slowly and digest every word.

I will give you one of the tips that Ury presents in the book. He says that people fail to say NO in the following ways:
-Accommodation
-Avoidance
-Aggression

We accommodate because of fear of reprisals if we say no.
We avoid the person all together so that we do not have to deal with the issue.
When avoiding does not work we feel trapped and acquiesce but with
anger. We end up shouting and blaming the other person saying “you made me do it.”

No one can make you do anything.
The words that people speak can be hurtful and you can feel abandoned because those involved did not see your point of view…but that still cannot MAKE you do anything.
We end up doing things because we cannot stand the “pressure” and we give in.

Building up resilience to “pressure” is what we need to do so that we will be firm in our resolve to stay in our own business and mind our own life.

Sitting in the midst of the pressure from outsiders can feel like you are going to cave in, but you will not. Your body is strong and will not collapse. It is your resolve that collapses. Allow yourself to feel the pressure and share the painful experience with a trusted friend or therapist. That is exactly what needs to happen in order to build
up resilience. It takes time. Only YOU can do it. No one can “give” you the strength to sit with the discomfort. It is a decision you have to make in order to save your own sanity.

If you don’t save your own sanity who will?

If you are not minding your own life, who is?

Love and light,
Indrani

The Ulysses Contract….

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Allow me to refresh your memory of how
Ulysses saved himself from the sirens.
He made his men lash him to the mast of the ship and plug their own ears with wax so that they would not fall prey to the sirens or follow his pleas and demands to be untied and ultimately die.

He saved himself and he saved his men.
The siren’s song was legendary.
Men who became bewitched by the sirens singing steered their ships upon rocks and perished. Ulysses knew what was waiting. He knew that he had no choice but to take that route.

So, instead of “hoping” for the best, he made a plan.
His plan was a two part plan.

Why two parts?
He KNEW himself. He knew that even though he was lashed to the mast he would have screamed and shouted demands at his men until they untied him…and how dare they disobey the “King of Ithaca”?

What can we modern folk learn from this ancient warrior?
Are these lessons even applicable today?

YES, the lessons are still very applicable.

Do you have any cravings?
Do you have any addictions?
Do you “invest” money while watching home shopping network?
Have you ever been caught by an infomercial?
Do you eat unhealthy foods?

Any of the above can be a situation under which you could make a Ulysses contract with yourself.

If you eat the cheesecake…you will do extra time on the treadmill.
If you spend too much on HSN…you will NOT watch the channel for one week or one month.

Be aware that the second part of the contract requires that you make someone a part of the plan so that you ensure success.

Take a look at the events in your life that occur frequently and ask yourself what sort of plan you can put in place to make better decisions and have happier outcomes.

There is a country western song with these lyrics “tequila makes her clothes fall off”.

In this case she needs to wear a body suit that is mighty hard to take off if she wants to still drink tequila.

Cute undies just may not be enough 🙂

What are your challenges? What’s your tequila?

Love and light
Indrani

Who’s the boss of YOU?

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Do you remember your kids ever screaming “you’re not the boss of me”?
The fact of the matter is you were the boss of them. They knew it and you knew it.
Who have you given the power to be the boss of you?

Who is the boss of you?

Bosses have power.
Bosses tell us what to do.
They hold our future in their hand.
They can fire us.
They can choose to compliment us or chew us out.
We feel that we must behave a certain way around them for fear of a disapproving look or a nasty comment.

Now I would like you to review the previous statements and change the
words “bosses” and “they” to I. Change “us” to me.

So the first would read:

I have power.

I am not asking you to “believe” the reworded sentences…I’m just asking you to notice how they make you feel.
Do they make you squirm?
Do they make you sit up and take notice?

When we give our power away, it is likely that we have done it for a long time. We may have allowed our parents to make important decisions for us, long after our childhoods. We may allow our superiors or elders to tell us what to think and what to believe.
We may never dream to question the status quo.
These are learned behaviors.
If we can learn something then we can unlearn it.

Are there things you want to unlearn?
Are there people from whom you want to withdraw your power?
Are you ready to be the ONLY BOSS of you?

I invite you to ponder the points made in this blog.

May the power be with you!

Love and light
Indrani

Get out of your way…

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Getting out of your way is not a 10 year plan…it is a NOW plan.
It is a DECIDE and IMPLEMENT plan.

Most of all, it is a promise you make to YOURSELF to move ahead with your dreams and take a risk.

I learned how to swim competitively to complete an Olympic Distance Triathlon. I took a risk and came in dead last but I FINISHED and I will always be a triathlete.

Take a risk.

Get out of your way.

Go dream a big dream.

 

Love and light,

Indrani

Guilty until proven innocent…

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No, that is not a typo.

What happens in our own minds when we feel someone has wronged us?

We immediately sentence them, don’t we? We KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are GUILTY of whatever we are thinking.

There is NO jury that can convince us otherwise.

There is NO ONE who can talk us out of the litany of offenses and the amount of times that they have wronged us. We are the JUDGE and the JURY.

We begin to “build a case” in our minds and we have long running mental tirades with ourselves. We become more and more convinced that they not only committed the crime but they premeditated it and all because they hate us. Yes, we begin to write such far out scripts that soon we don’t even remember what their latest offense was…only that WE WERE ABSOLUTELY OFFENDED!

So let me suggest a way for you to move through this.

When you are:
Pissed off
Ticked off
Frustrated
Very Angry
Ready to Explode
Exploding

Ask yourself this question. WHO must do WHAT to make you feel better?

Fill in the sentence below:

________________________ (insert offender) must do ____________________________ (insert action they must do) so that I can stop being _________________________ (insert emotion). When ____________________ does ____________________ then I will feel___________________________.

Really take your time with these sentences. Read and reread to be sure it accuses the right person and be sure you have determined precisely what they must do to atone for their behaviors/words etc.

Now take a marker and cross out THEIR name and insert the pronoun “I”.
Really? Really? YES, really!

You alone are responsible for your feelings.
Please be aware that this exercise does NOT apply to abuse of any sort.
If you are experiencing any form of abuse PLEASE GET HELP IMMEDIATELY.

If this is NOT about abuse, then these exercises will help you to focus on WHO is in charge of YOUR emotions.

Remember, no one can make you feel anything without your permission.

Love and light
Indrani