NO is not a curse word… use it as often as you need to!

Use the word NO as often as you need.

As a woman, I was taught that “NO” meant that I was selfish/mean/uncaring/ungrateful… the list goes on.

When I say “YES” to whatever others want, I say “NO” to all of my dreams and personal goals.

Is it better to seem ungrateful to the whole world and to be kind to myself, or to be unkind to myself and treat everyone else in a “socially acceptable way?”

You have my permission… try on the word NO’

Love and light

Indrani remember to inhale life and exhale joy.

The Shadow of ” You’re only supposed to …”

This weekend I happened upon one of my favorite movies.

It is YENTL. If you have never seen it… please rectify this immediately!

The story is about a Jewish woman who pretends to be a boy so that she can go to school and study the TORAH.

Barbara Streisand plays the woman who tricks the whole village. The question that Yentl asks over and over is simply this

”  Why do I have a mind if not to question why”

Some of the powerful lyrics in the song called “Where is it written” are

” where do I belong in the scheme of things…why have a mind if not to question why? what is it that I am meant to be? that I can dare to have the chance to pick the fruit of every tree”

I first saw this movie when I was just a few years in this country. I realize now that I had been asking these very questions all my life.

Why are we pigeon-holed?

Why are we told that we can be this thing and not that thing?

I came to this country in 1974 and women were asking these very questions. Why are we still asking them now? Why do we not have the RIGHTS to be all that we can be?

Can we give ourselves the permission to have UNMITIGATED GALL  in asking for what we want? Or must we play the game of using “mitigated speech” ( when we down play what we want or use hints not daring to ask directly) to get what we desire at a deep level.

When we beat around the bush and not give ourselves  permission to ask directly, without anger, or fear for what we want, who are we placating, hurting,putting on a pedestal or back burner?

The next time you want something that you know is right for you and you feel fear when you think about asking for it, try asking yourself these questions.

1. Who do I fear?

2.What do I fear may happen? ( if this answer involves physical/ emotional abuse call a shelter IMMEDIATELY)

3. What could happen if I do this thing without permission?

4. Where did I learn that I need permission and how do I know that those messages were right?

5. What am I willing to sacrifice to live life on my own terms?

6. How old do I have to be to take my rights as a human being?

7. Who determines the kind of life I must lead?

8. If I do not respect my own dreams who can I expect to respect them?

9. Do I love myself?

10. Do I absolutely love myself?

Do now worry if you cannot answer all these questions. Just the fact that you are willing to to even think about them is growth. Give yourself some space to think and to grow. Allow yourself to dare to dream and “the dare to question” time will come, when you are ready and not a moment before!

love and light

Indrani

A tip from BP and the Gulf Disaster… talking is not enough…

In the newspaper this morning, I was reading about the BP exec who will step down on OCT 1st as a direct result of how he handled the oil spill in the Gulf. I am not any sort of engineer nor do I like science very much so I did not really expect to get any “personal lessons” from the article. THEN, bingo, there it was. ” We had endless conversations about safety but not a lot about execution.”

WOW, what a great lesson for all of us, not about safety but about dreams, goals, personal investments… and this is how it looks.

I met someone last week so said, ” I would love to travel and see the world but I do not ever have any money.” My mind flashed back to a conversation with this same person just a few weeks ago who had spent ” thousands on fireworks for 4th of July” and a few years ago who said ” I go to Las Vegas about twice per year and spend a minimum of $5,000.00.”

Ok, lets do the very simple math. In just one year, $10,000 PLUS $2,000… ummm $12,000!  This is not counting airfare and hotel room or food!

I was curious about costs to travel to lets say Paris this year so I checked on line. Air about $8000.00/ hotels were all over the map on pricing. From previous trips to France I know that the “metro”, the subway is dirt cheap. I also know that people watching at a little sidewalk cafe is free except for the price of a ” cafe au lait and an exquisite croissant.”

How can we all learn a lesson from that simple sentence in the paper about BP? Here is how!

Stop talking about what your plans are and start making concrete plans to EXECUTE! Yea, you heard me, stop blowing smoke or oil or whatever you want to call it and take responsibility for making your dreams come true….

If you have no clue how to stop the endless cycle of “talk” and start the new ” get it done” behaviors, here is a place to start.

GO PUBLIC. Tell a whole bunch of people that you want to be held accountable for doing something different with your life. Tell them to STOP you when you begin to blow smoke and ask you this simple question.

“So what ARE you going to do about it?”

It is a big leap from “just talk” to “personal responsibility”. It’s got to start somewhere right? Start TODAY.

Taking positive steps to your better life is the best way to LOVE YOURSELF!

love and light

Indrani

Caught betweeen two worlds?… be happy with both!

Do you sometimes feel that you are caught between two conflicting sets of morals and values?

Do you feel tugged and pulled with having to make simple decisions?

I met someone recently who had to “not invite” her parents to a significant celebration because the parents ” from the old country” would take over the way the party “should be done” and the celebration would then become all about ” what our culture expects” and none of what would create true happiness for the newer generation.

If this sounds even remotely familiar, do I have a solution for you!

What if you could step in both worlds and be happy with both sets of rules? Sound like fantasy world?

It is so very possible. The trick is ( ah you knew there would be a trick) that YOU KNOW WHO YOU WANT TO BE!

Ok, so maybe that’s a little too tricky. How can you know who you want to be, if you have been brought up in a world that has little value for an individual ( think ” I ” ) and huge amounts of value on “WE”. You have to be very vigilant with observing your thoughts.

Ok, so now I see you rolling your eyes, just hear me out. When you are being pulled between, do you feel like you MUST please everybody?

Do you feel like “people” will hate you if you do not do exactly as they wish?

Will you hate yourself if you continue to please everyone at the expense of your own happiness? Do you believe that your happiness is important? Can you accept that there can be balance between what others expect and what you want?

There is a way to straddle both your worlds and still be true o your own values and mores.

The simple answer is to allow yourself to observe yourself and others when you are in the midst of making decisions. Notice what your think, how you hold your body, what tone of voice you use, if you feel attacked?

That does not sound so simple you say, well maybe it’s not always simple, but it is always doable. It is always possible to “step” out of the situation and to become the detached observer.

The detached observer does not have to “believe” all the thoughts that pop into their heads. We think thousands of thoughts every day and most of them we let go, but some thoughts stick around to nag you until you feel like your head will explode.

So, here is a simple challenge for you. The next time you have to choose between two worlds, be it a cultural situation, a religious situation or a social situation, notice what you are thinking and see if you can give yourself a “thinking” break.

A “thinking” break means to try to distance yourself from the words in your head.

Try these simple steps:

1. Take 5 DEEP BREATHS

2. Take five more

3. Pretend that you can see the words forming in your head. What kind of font is it, how big are the words? Do they run together like a jumbled mess or it is like a well structured sentence? Do you also see punctuation marks? The trick here is to help your mind take a break from the thoughts that are all consuming.

4. Notice if you were able to take a “break” from the thoughts that are causing stress.

Try this little exercise for one full week on the thoughts that cause you the most stress. Thoughts like ” I should be a better Mom, Wife, Employee, Friend, Daughter ” etc.

I hope you give it a try and also try to give yourself a well deserved break.

Indrani

What’s Right With Me

Indrani Goradia meditationWELCOME TO INDRANI’S LIGHT.

At Indrani’s light, we give you the tools and skills to step out of any shadow under which you are living. We empower you to live a brave and courageous life.

Get a head start by signing up for 5 Minutes to Happiness at the right side of this page.
Stay tuned for our Manifesto and Promise to you.

Here’s to shining a light on your dreams

Indrani

Willingness to investigate the cultural shadow and invest in the present…

We all have CULTURE.

If you are alive (and you are because you are reading this post) you have been raised in some culture. You have been taught that you do somethings and not others. For instance, if you are Hindu you probably are taught to not eat beef. If you are Jewish or Muslim you probably do not eat pork.

These are the easy things to identify. These are easy to follow or not follow. If you choose to not follow them you probably do so knowingly and are prepared for the social backlash from family and friends if you decide to break the “rules.”

BUT what about those rules/norms that are not so easily identified?

Like maybe who you should or should not date?

What about the kinds of work you should do. Perhaps it sounds like this ” Boys in this family do NOT become ballet dancers!”

Or Girls in this family marry by the age of 22 and do not work outside the home and have 12 children and cater to every whim and fancy of everyone … ok so you get the idea.

Actually this last part is probably not so explicit. It may sound like:

“Well you know you are getting older, who will marry you after 23,or 33 or 50!”

Being willing to investigate the cultural shadow means consciously looking at our collective history even if its 5000 years worth of it.

If any of these questions grab your attention, allow yourself to be present with whatever it brings up. Try not not push it (the emotions, feelings) away. Know that these feelings will pass and you can go on with your day.

Being present (to whatever is happening in your life) is the greatest gift you can give yourself.

PARENTS GET OFF THE TELEPHONE…and play with your kids, please

I am visiting my child in Philly and went to see a beautiful ORCHID show at LONGWOOD GARDENS.

As I was waiting for my car service to pick me up I saw a Mom SLAP her little girl ( age 5 or 6) because she threw a small snow ball and it landed on a stranger. The little child JUST wanted to have a snow ball fight. The Mom, reacted so violently, BUT she NEVER GOT OFF HER PRECIOUS TELEPHONE CALL!

The little child looked so sad, and seemed so embarrassed!

The woman, dragged the child away and NEVER got off the frickin’ phone!!!

People, Parents PLEASE, please GET OFF your telephones.

Take it from me, a new empty nester. These precious birds do fly off. These children do leave us and what will they remember? Are we teaching them to IGNORE us when we grow into our second childhood?

Please HANG UP! PLEASE do it NOW! Please take the time to look into the eyes of your precious children. Please take the time to SEE them.

Remember why YOU brought them into this world.

Was it to IGNORE them in public? If you are ignoring them in public, what are you doing in private?

If you do not know HOW to parent, get thee to a local class or to a teleclass probably being advertised right now in your in box. Get a coach to guide you into being the good parent that you truly want to be.

When you honor your precious children, you honor yourself!

You honor humanity and you are nurturing the people to which we are entrusting the world!

In the Shadow of VALENTINES day… stay in your own light

There is little doubt that February 14th gives us all some level of expectation. We may have significant others who play the game, or we may have significant others who hate the game, or we not have anyone to play the game with.

When I first came to this country so many years ago, this Valentines Day phenomenon was so new, I was really baffled.

Was it true that if someone gave you flowers or chocolates on one special day that it made up for heartache or missteps from all the other days?

And why is it that the onus is on the man/boy to do the giving?

I did buy into the program after not too long but it still sorta kinda bothered me. Then the day after was always some kind of boasting marathon thing at the office. Invariably one woman was always pissed off and others were telling her “how useless he was” but ( as I recall) she never really dropped him because as one woman put it  “he was better than nothing”.

That phrase has stayed with me all these many (37 plus) years later… “better than nothing”

If you say it out loud and slowly it is the saddest thing you probably have ever said.

On this Valentines day, I ask you this question… are you hanging out with someone who is “better than nothing?”

If so I want you to know this…

you are worthy

you are special

you are exquisite

I want you to stand in your TRUE worth and see the worth in all others around you. Perhaps, just perhaps you will give yourself permission to be BIG and BRIGHT and BEAUTIFUL and in so doing you will give the significant others in your life to be their biggest and brightest and best(est) and you can celebrate the human spirit everyday and not just hang all your love expectations on one day.

The love hand

Oh, just one more thing, Give yourself some extra attention this week… you so deserve it.

2B or not 2 B is not the question… 2 B yourself or not, IS!

I cannot tell you how many times I have mumbled this quote to myself (and always in some weird version of a British accent and I also seem to morph into a gray haired old geezer).

I like this question better anyway:

2B or not 2 B myself?

Why didn’t Willie think of that?

Here’s the sticky part to this question… in order to choose to be myself, I have to know what BEING MYSELF means. This has not always been easy. There have been more times than I care to remember when I relied on others to tell me who I was, what I should do, who I should or shouldn’t like, etc. I framed my “ME” within the confines of someone else.

To be ME, the full and total ME that I am meant to be, means allowing myself to explore all the areas of life that I enjoy and to focus on the enjoyable parts of the areas that I don’t particularly like.

One very easy way to become the fullest you is to continually practice qualities that you want to improve or deepen. For example, If I desire to be kinder, I need to practice kindness every time I have the chance.

I must practice in deed, thought and word.

It may not be quick, but a little practice goes a long way and the universe is always giving us opportunities to step up to the plate.

Here’s to full and deep practice… cheers