The key to healthy relationships

Live a Brighter Life Curriculum, , , , , , , , ,

I stayed at a hotel recently and the key to the room was an electronic gizmo that looked like a key. It inserted into the lock like a key and turned like a key.

I wondered, “why the trouble to make this new technology look like old tech?”

Comfort to the guests. We all know what a key looks like. We are all creatures of habit and want to feel secure, so holding a key in our hand is a familiar feeling.

This key was different. It was embedded with the code to get into a particular room. Room 1167 would not be able to work on the lock for room 1624.

Makes perfect sense.

All the keys, however, were able to access the elevators that took each guest to any floor they wanted to visit. I have been in hotels where your room key only allowed you to access your floor, and if you had a friend on another floor they had to let you in.

This got me thinking about the symbolism and metaphors we have for keys:

The keys to our hearts.

The key to success.

The 5 or 10 or 100 keys to ______

The ONE key to happiness

Happiness is key to ________

Food is the key to a man’s heart

I am sure you can come up with other sayings.

When we allow people to enter into our lives, we give them a symbolic key of trust. We welcome them into our private spaces. We don’t say, “you are only allowed to use the kitchen but not the bathroom.” We ASSUME that they will respect the trust we have given.

However, when the people we trust take the key we have offered and turn it against us, we feel violated. We may say things like,

“I trusted you to not steal my money when we opened our joint account.”
Or
“I trusted you to not have sex with my best friend when we went out last night.”
Or
“I trusted you to not bash my face in when you are angry and blame all your failures on me.”

Each one of the above sentences represents a situation where we GAVE the key to our hearts and lives to another and they use that key to wreck our lives.

When this happens, we must find the courage to “lock” them out of our hearts. That, often feels quite impossible.

We feel like they know us too well for us to set any real boundaries. Often, they know us better than we feel we know ourselves, but that is not true.

We must find the courage to block the codes they have used to enter our private heart spaces. If we have values of love and bravery and courage, they know our strengths and may say “Well you say you have love as a value, but you can’t find a way to love me as I am. You must be a liar!”

When this happens, we may try to prove them wrong by showing them how much love we have and we may stay in unhealthy situations longer than we should.

What to do?

Turn those values of Love and Bravery and Courage back on yourself and show your own self that you have the only key to emotional freedom. Freedom to choose a healthy relationship over one that causes pain.

Love and light

Indrani

The Sewing Machine Worked Just Fine… Until It Didn’t

Blog, Domestic Violence, , , , , , , , , , ,

The other day I was preparing some small quilts to take with me to India for a program I planned to visit. The quilt squares had been decorated by children of the mothers who had been burned by fire or acid. I had met these kids years before and never got a chance to finish up the quilts. I was going to India in a few days so I was inspired to finish them. This work reflected all my hearts passions: meeting the survivors, speaking to the kids, remembering to bring them fabric swatches, saving the swatches for the right time to finish it and of course sitting at my beautiful machine and finishing the project.

All of a sudden, the machine would not work. The needle would not stay threaded.The bottom thread would not catch. I rethreaded it about 6 times and then I yelled, to no one really, “what the F is wrong with this machine?”

I began to hyper focus on the threading mechanism and tried to use a pen to poke the thread into one of the moving parts and of course it could not work. I had never threaded the machine with a damn pen before. Why was I trying to do that now? I have been sewing for 50 years. I used to make my own Catholic School uniform skirts. I KNOW how to thread a sewing machine.

Then a heard a voice in my head say “Indrani zoom out, close your eyes, and use muscle memory to do this. Nothing is wrong with you or the machine.”

So.

I closed my eyes. I allowed my hands to float up to the machine and I held the thread a loft. I mimicked threading motions and saw that my left hand floated behind the presser foot to check if it was in the down position.

I opened my eyes.

I smiled.

The presser foot was NOT in the proper position.
I put the foot down and threaded the machine and finished the quilts.

Then, it dawned on me that this episode mimics what women do to themselves. We KNOW how to be in the world. We know how to be brave and courageous and yet, when we forget a simple thing (like lowering the presser foot) we begin to judge ourselves and we accept the judgment of others. I love that it was the “putting down of the foot” that brought me out of my trance of feeling inadequate and stupid for not successfully completing a task I have done 1000’s of times for 50 years. How can you use this in your life?

The next time you KNOW deep in your heart how to do something, or WHO you are at your core, put your foot down on the knowledge and do not allow any one (even your judgmental self) to convince you otherwise. If others in your life say unkind things, let if go in one ear and out the next. Put your foot down and don’t let others define you with their words. Maybe use a simple phrase like “I am not sure whom you are describing, but that’s not me.”

Believe the words. You know you!

Now, go be the full YOU. The world needs all of you.

Love and Light from Indrani

Managing Fear When Facing Adversity- Episode #27

Caring for the Caregivers Podcast, , , , ,

In this episode Indrani and Dr. Anita Sands share their experiences and the tools they’ve used to manage fear with the adversities they’ve faced. Anita also shares her story of coping with changes in her professional life after becoming a mother.

[powerpress channel=”caregiverpodcast”]

Episode Time Codes

00:09 Introduction
02:00 Welcome and Introduction of Dr. Sands
5:15 Article Discussion
14:45 Asking for Help
21:15 Advice on Priorities
23:30 How Fear Shows Up
34:00  From Scarcity to Abundance
37:00 Curiosity trumps Comparison
43:38  Wrap Up
46:09 Outtro

Resources

Link to Dr. Sands Article 

Caring for the Caregivers: A Self-Empathy Meditation – Episode #26

Caring for the Caregivers Podcast, , , , , , ,

Often, in life, you will find yourself stuck between two versions of yourself: the “you” that wants peace and to be satisfied doing the best you can, and the “you” that is crazily trying to do everything for everyone. In this episode Indrani will lead you through a short meditation to help you become a compassionate witness to your own self and your own energy.

[powerpress channel=”caregiverpodcast”]

00:00 Introduction
00:53 Self-Empathy Meditation
04:21 Outro

Caring for the Caregivers: Talk to the Positive Part of Yourself – Episode #25

Caring for the Caregivers Podcast, , , , , , ,

When you are feeling sad, do you forget about your whole self, focusing only on the sadness? In this episode Indrani will guide you through a meditation to connect with, and embrace, the positive you. It isn’t about changing the sadness, it is about honoring all parts of yourself, and living a whole, and healthy, life.

[powerpress channel=”caregiverpodcast”]

Episode Time Codes

00:00 Introduction
00:57 Guided Meditation
08:04 Outro

Caring for the Caregivers: When Family and Work Values Collide – Episode #24

Caring for the Caregivers Podcast, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Making a decision between your family and your work is never an easy task, especially when, which is more important changes with the circumstances. How can you determine when being with your family is most important? When going to work and supporting your clients is most important? In this episode Indrani, Amy, and Jeremie discuss tools you can use to make important decisions between your family and your work.

[powerpress channel=”caregiverpodcast”]

Episode Time Codes

00:00 Introduction
01:20 Scenario
02:12 Jeremie – Accommodate, Avoid, Attack – How we say NO without saying NO
09:25 Discussion
17:00 Indrani – Your unreasonable “perfect should list”
23:10 Discussion
25:50 Amy – Contradictions between your different roles leading to shame
30:38 Discussion
39:00 Conclusion
40:36 Outro

Caring for the Caregivers: A Story and Meditation – What Does Change Mean to You? – Episode #23

Caring for the Caregivers Podcast, , , , , , , , ,

You may want to get your journal out and take some notes as Indrani asks some important questions in this episode. Are you thinking about making a change in your life? What feelings come up for you during the change process? What does change mean to you?

[powerpress channel=”caregiverpodcast”]

Episode Time Codes

00:00 Introduction
01:49 What do you feel when undergoing change? What is change necessary?
03:35 When change needs to be birthed
05:26 Using your energy to fight back against change
07:59 Ask others about the change they see in you
10:25 Understand that change is a constant
13:00 Writing exercise – Change means…
15:20 Outro

Caring for the Caregivers: Remember Who You Are – Episode #22

Caring for the Caregivers Podcast, , , , , , , , , , ,

Indrani shares a story about a hair salon trip gone wrong, then shares how she used the Live a Brighter Life tools. Listen to the story and the discussion with Amy and Jeremie about the story to learn how you can use boundaries to stay grounded in your own truth, trust your own experiences, and remember who you are. If you don’t know your own truth, and practice it every day, people WILL cross your boundaries.

[powerpress channel=”caregiverpodcast”]

Episode Time Codes

00:00 Introduction
02:29 Indrani tells the “Oil Head Massage” Story
09:26 Discussion about the story
11:36 Indrani shares her thoughts and lessons about the story
18:30 How to set boundaries around your truth
22:30 Journaling as a practical tool for keeping centered and knowing your truth
28:45 Using visualizations to help set boundaries
34:20 Conclusion
36:18 Outro

Caring for the Caregivers: A Story – How to Say “NO” With the Feeling of Joy – Episode #21

Caring for the Caregivers Podcast, , , , , , ,

This episode Indrani shares a personal story about problems with a “non-huggable” coat, being surprised by the perfect dress, and how saying “NO” to the little things and setting small boundaries is the key to making big changes to your relationships. Indrani also shares an awareness exercise you can use to observe your own boundaries and where you need to be saying “NO” in your daily life.

[powerpress channel=”caregiverpodcast”]

Episode Time Codes

00:00 Introduction
00:46 Indrani tells her story
06:29 Indrani shares lessons from the story
08:01 Indrani shares an awareness exercise
09:18 Summary
10:43 Outro

Caring for the Caregivers: A Discussion About “Option B” by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant – Episode #20 Part Two

Caring for the Caregivers Podcast, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sheryl Sandberg wrote this book after husband died suddenly. The book explores how Sheryl and her children recover and rebound from the horrible event while building their reslience, finding greater meaning, and gaining a greater appreciation for their lives. This is part two of a longer discussion where Indrani, Amy, Stacie, and Jeremie share their takeaways from reading the book and how you can apply Sheryl’s lessons to the daily challenges you are experiencing at work and in your personal life.

[powerpress channel=”caregiverpodcast”]

Episode Time Codes

00:00 Introduction
00:57 Jeremie – Building resilience together
07:45 Discussion
09:52 Amy – Adding a bit of humour
15:03 Discussion
19:30 Conclusion
21:13 Outro

Links and Resources mentioned in this episode

BOOK: Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy

LINK: VIA Strengths Survey